Blood and Mud

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: RBS 6 Nations, round 1

The first weekend of the championship has passed by with games that were, in the main, of questionable quality, but what did the SHIT/GOOD™ computer make of it all?  Don't forget, you can get full highlights of all the games in our Omnisport player over in the sidebar.

SHIT

Gareth Cooper - Questions were raised before the weekend as to just why he was getting a national start ahead of Richie Rees who is starting in front of him at Cardiff.  The answer is no clearer after a day on which he made very poor decisions and that Wales improved considerably when he was substituted.  Surely will not start against Scotland.

Delon Armitage - So often a wonderful counter-attacking full-back, and even spoke before the game about "taking the attack to Wales".  Didn't really see much of it though, did we?  Unless of course "taking the attack" is his way of saying, "aimlessy, pointlessly, and frustratingly hoofing the ball".

Italian rucks - Firstly it takes them a while to get the ball to the back of the ruck, then secondly they have a scrum-half who is about as keen to get things moving as truckers on a fuel protest.  This heady cocktail of SHIT creates a viewing experience so slow and lacking in entertainment it is almost as bad as watching Eyes Wide Shut. 

Simon Shaw - Unrecognisable from the player in the summer.  Not that surprising that at 36 he looks a little slow, more surprising is that he was very stupid at times.

Dishonourable mentions - Alain Rolland, the woman in the gospel choir who sang sharp all the way through God Save The Queen, Scotland's scrum in the absence of Reverend Murray, Alun Wyn Jones (obviously), Jamie Roberts, England's front row, Gareth Williams

GOOD

Mathew Tait - While not exactly being ground shaking in its wonder, this was a performance which finally put to bed that horror show in 2005.  Showed great composure and poise to do exactly the right thing for Haskell's second and game clinching try

Mathieu Bastareaud - He may be a liar and borderline clinically insane, but man this boy can play!

James Hook - Another position, another great performance.  If only the rest of the backline could have matched him.

Honourable mentions - James Haskell, Brian O'Driscoll, Kelly Brown, Steve Borthwick, Martyn Williams.

RBS 6 Nations preview: Scotland vs France, Murrayfield, 15:00, Sunday

He's back!  Lord of International Relations, Mathieu Bastareaud, finds himself back in the France team,  look out for him headbutting a bagpiper and blaming it on a Buckfast-swilling local. Marc Lievremont has also suprised me by giving Ben Cohen Aurelien Rougerie a start ahead of Vincent Clerc.

However, this is by the by, as failing one those famous French collective brainfarts Scotland are going to lose.  Their defeat of Australia in the Autumn was so heroic I wouldn't be surprised if Mel Gibson makes a film of it ("THEY CAN TAKE OUR RUCK BALL, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR LINEOUT!"), but nine times out of ten, the Aussies would have won that game.  By contrast the French beat and narrowly lost to the All Blacks in New Zealand in the summer.

The French back-row is immense, and in Yannick Jauzion they have, for my money the best 12 in the world.  In contrast, the Scots have someone with a girl's first name at 6 and Phil Godman in the team.  Nuff said. 

I do always find myself being somewhat negative about the Scots, which some of you may feel is unreasonable.  As a rugby nation I have a great deal of time and fondness for Scotland, but the fact is that they are not very good, and I only deal in facts.

b&m.com prediction: France by 12

Spotter's badge:  Max Evans pointlessly sidesteps four times in the space of a square metre before being body clubbed by Bastareaud.

TEAMS

Scotland: 15-Chris Paterson, 14-Thom Evans, 13-Max Evans, 12-Graeme Morrison, 11-Sean Lamont, 10-Phil Godman, 9-Chris Cusiter (Captain), 8-Johnnie Beattie, 7-John Barclay, 6-Kelly Brown, 5-Alastair Kellock, 4-Nathan Hines, 3-Moray Low, 2-Ross Ford, 1-Alasdair Dickinson.
Replacements: 16-Scott Lawson, 17-Allan Jacobsen, 18-Richie Gray, 19-Alan MacDonald, 20-Rory Lawson, 21-Alex Grove, 22-Hugo Southwell.

France: 15-Clement Poitrenaud, 14-Benjamin Fall, 13-Mathieu Bastareaud, 12-Yannick Jauzion, 11-Aurelien Rougerie, 10-Francois Trinh-Duc, 9-Morgan Parra, 8-Imanol Harinordoquy, 7-Fulgence Ouedraogo, 6-Thierry Dusautoir (captain), 5-Pascal Pape, 4-Lionel Nallet, 3-Nicolas Mas, 2-William Servat, 1-Thomas Domingo.
Replacements: 16-Dimitri Szarzewski, 17-Luc Ducalcon, 18-Julien Pierre, 19-Julien Bonnaire, 20-Frederic Michalak, 21-David Marty, 22-Vincent Clerc.

Ref: Nigel "Sarcastic Lecture" Owens

RBS 6 Nations preview: Ireland vs Italy, Croke Park, 14:30, Saturday

Ireland are going to win, by quite a bit I imagine, so the interest in this game lies elsewhere.

For me, that is in seeing how Craig Gower plays.  Gower, remember, is an ex Aussie RL international who now plays in France for Bayonne, qualifies for Italy via a grandparent and nearly didn't have an international RU career because of Wikipedia.  To say he has a lot of things working against him tomorrow is an undestatement - Gower played scrum-half and occasionally hooker in RL and is deployed at 12 for his club, but will be the pivot at 10 for the Italians tomorrow despite being unable to speak Italian.  

Beyond that, I suppose it's about seeing how fluid Ireland look, as for me they are favourites this year.  

b&m.com prediction: Ireland by fuckloads

Spotter's badge:  Leo Cullen is mistaken for a streaking farm labourer from Roscommon and is led from the field. 

TEAMS

Ireland: 15-Rob Kearney, 14-Tommy Bowe, 13-Brian O'Driscoll (captain), 12-Gordon D'Arcy, 11-Andrew Trimble, 10-Ronan O'Gara, 9-Tomas O'Leary; 8-Jamie Heaslip, 7-David Wallace, 6-Kevin McLaughlin, 5-Paul O'Connell, 4-Leo Cullen, 3-John Hayes, 2-Jerry Flannery, 1-Cian Healy.

Replacements: 16-Rory Best, 17-Tom Court, 18-Donnacha Ryan, 19-Sean O'Brien, 20-Eoin Reddan, 21-Paddy Wallace, 22-Keith Earls.

Italy: 15-Luke McLean, 14-Kaine Robertson, 13-Gonzalo Canale, 12-Gonzalo Garcia, 11-Mirco Bergamasco, 10-Craig Gower, 9-Tito Tebaldi; 8-Alessandro Zanni, 7-Mauro Bergamasco, 6-Josh Sole, 5-Quintin Geldenhuys, 4-Carlo Antonio Del Fava, 3-Martin Castrogiovanni, 2-Leonardo Ghiraldini (captain) 1-Salvatore Perugini.

Replacements: 16-Fabio Ongaro, 17-Matias Aguero, 18-Marco Bortolami, 19-Paul Derbyshire, 20-Simon Picone, 21-Riccardo Bocchino, 22-Andrea Masi.

Ref: Romain Poite

RBS 6 Nations preview: England vs Wales, Twickenham, 17:00, Saturday

Back in 2005 this was the match that set Wales on their way, could it be the same this year?  The answer, for a number of reasons, is no.  Firstly, Gethin Jenkins is injured, and losing one of the best forwards in the world will hurt any side, but a player as exceptional as Jenkins being replaced by Paul James is a doubly bad loss .  Secondly, Wales have only won at Twickenham twice in 20 years, so they are not due another one for a while; and thirdly England have neither Charlie Hodgson at 10, Jamie Noon at 12, or a pubescent child at 13 (he's older now).

One of the great things about this year's tournament is that the teams are pretty evenly matched and none of them - with the possible exception of Ireland - showed any red-hot form in the Autumn.  England, of course, were more awful in the Autumn than most, but the team they are putting out Saturday is unrecognisable from that which shamed the game before Christmas and so to draw comparisons is difficult.  

As an aside, England are wearing special shirts to commemorate 100 years of rugby at Twickenham; I feel they have missed a Wales-taunting trick by not also sporting massive victorian-style 'taches and hanging Welsh-nots around the necks of the opposition.

It will be very close, but I fancy an England win at home if only by a few points, but much will depend on how Flutey and Tait deal with the one-man wrecking ball, Jamie Roberts

b&m.com prediction: England by 3

Spotter's badge:  Jonny Wilkinson peppers young Tom James with 37 cross-kicks in the first 14 minutes.

TEAMS

England: 15-Delon Armitage, 14-Mark Cueto, 13-Mathew Tait, 12-Riki Flutey, 11-Ugo Monye, 10-Jonny Wilkinson, 9-Danny Care, 8-Nick Easter, 7-Lewis Moody, 6-James Haskell, 5-Steve Borthwick (captain), 4-Simon Shaw, 3-David Wilson, 2-Dylan Hartley, 1-Tim Payne.

Replacements: 16-Steve Thompson, 17-Dan Cole, 18-Louis Deacon, 19-Steffon Armitage, 20-Paul Hodgson, 21-Toby Flood, 22-Ben Foden.

Wales: 15-Lee Byrne, 14-Tom James, 13-James Hook, 12-Jamie Roberts, 11-Shane Williams, 10-Stephen Jones, 9-Gareth Cooper, 8-Ryan Jones (captain), 7-Martyn Williams, 6-Andy Powell, 5-Luke Charteris, 4-Alun-Wyn Jones, 3-Adam Rhys Jones, 2-Gareth Williams, 1-Paul James.

Replacements: 16-Huw Bennett, 17-Rhys Gill, 18-Bradley Davies, 19-Jonathan Thomas, 20-Richard Rees, 21-Andrew Bishop, 22-Leigh Halfpenny.

Ref: Alain "Comedy Scrums" Rolland

Deconstructing WRU man Roger Lewis's PR guff re: Lee Byrne

Lewis: "I used to be TV and music exec you know?  This explains my dead, shark-black eyes"

Roger speaks, we translate - it's that simple.

Roger Lewis "It has been an extremely difficult time for the player, but we have been determined to give him all the support he needed to achieve this fair resolution of a difficult matter."
B&M Translation "It has been a very difficult time for the player, but we have no other proper full-back available so we shat ourselves and threw the lawyers at it."

RL "It has not been an easy decision either for the original independent committtee hearing the evidence or the appeal panel and I applaud them all on their diligence in this matter."
B&M "This was a very easy decision for them, as we all know most people from Bridgend can't count, and you can't hold that against them, or Lee, really." 

RL"I hope this sends out a message to the followers of Welsh rugby that the WRU is an organisation which will always stand by individuals who deserve and need our help."
B&M "... the WRU is an organisation which will always stand by individuals who deserve and need our help.  Unless your name is Mike Ruddock"

Classic 6 Nations Video: England 46 - 12 Wales, 2000

Oh, those long gone days when England would thrash everyone and then bottle the Grand Slam EVERY SINGLE YEAR for what seemed like about 12 years.  Here they are dismantling Wales at Twickenham a decade ago.  

Check out Phil Greening, the forward who could not play as a forward - which was a bit of an issue come scrum and line-out time.  And of course LBND's try, which people always cite as an example of his power, but I prefer to think of as an example of the Welsh team forgetting the sage advice of my old coach from Lancashire; "They can't run 'bout their bloody legs, lads!"

In the interest of balance, that game at Wembley is after the jump...

Continue reading "Classic 6 Nations Video: England 46 - 12 Wales, 2000"

STOP PRESS! The England team is not that bad

It's true!  As far as a selection goes, it's better than could have been expected. No Matt Banahan for a start, although Louis Deacon is still on the bench - but you can't have everything. 

Mat Tait returns, and while I have never rated him as highly as some, he holds the distinct advantage of being neither Mike Tindall or Jamie Noon, and the much less psychotic than he used to be Dylan Hartley is starting.  Deacon aside, the bench actually has a bit of dynamism as well.

However, as someone once said: hope is the feeling that comes before someone smashes your gonads with a croquet mallet - or something like that.  The personnel, after all, will be utterly wasted if the England Management Omnishambles have not got the drawing board fully wiped after the autumn.

We shall see; but I'm already looking forward to the game a damn sight more than I was yesterday. 

England: D Armitage (London Irish); M Cueto (Sale Sharks), M Tait (Sale Sharks), R Flutey (Brive), U Monye (Harlequins); J Wilkinson (Toulon), D Care (Harlequins); T Payne (Wasps), D Hartley (Northampton), D Wilson (Bath), S Shaw (Wasps), S Borthwick (Saracens, capt), J Haskell (Stade Francais), L Moody (Leicester), N Easter (Harlequins).

Replacements: S Thompson (Brive), D Cole (Leicester), L Deacon (Leicester), S Armitage (London Irish), P Hodgson (London Irish), T Flood (Leicester), B Foden (Northampton).

Scotland use Matrix Sentinel-type-flying-thing to assist with training!

Some background.  With this blog enjoying some modest success in terms of profile and visitors over the last year or so, a whole new world opened up to me: the PR world,  a world in which emails come in from many pleasant people all telling you that they have info/news/services etc that can help the site in some way.  Sometimes these emails bring the kind of offer that causes great excitement, eg interviewing Keith Wood or Phil Vickery, but more often they are folk trying to find some way of crowbarring onto the blog a proposal or news so ill-fitting it resembles James Corden in a pro-fit England shirt, and which I politely decline.  Very occasionally in the midst of all this there is something that is bizarre in the extreme; something both relevant to rugby and yet mad, like this thing I received today from the Official RBS 6 Nations press office:

The Scotland rugby team has been taking advantage of technology pioneered by club and community rugby sponsor, Scottish Hydro, and their partners at technology firm, Cyberhawk Innovations, to offer a groundbreaking perspective on preparations for this weekend's 6 Nations opener against France at Murrayfield. 

The flying Cyberhawk drones, nicknamed 'The Flying Scot' after Scotland's joint record try-scorer, Ian Smith, are kept stable by eight independent rotor-blades, managed by an on-board GPS. 

The units are fitted with video equipment capable of relaying live action and still images to the team's coaches and video analysts from up to 300m above the training ground, or from directly behind the players themselves, to offer a player's view of the action.

So, basically, Scotland are training with the bad robots from the Matrix following them around.  This must be pretty disturbing in itself, and that is before you realise that it means the Scots' management team can - like watching a Coldplay concert on one of those multi-angle DVDs - witness the full horror of how terrible what they are witnessing truly is via a soul-splinteringly revealing panoply of viewpoints. 

Gameplans Explained! Danny Grewcock

It's been another interesting week for Bath and England violent penalty-magnet hardman Grewcock; let's take a diagrammatic look at his profoundly disturbed approach to the game.

  

Classic Six Nations Video: Dominici scores against England, 1998

This is an absolutely superb try and a perfect demonstration of how to convert decent set-piece possession on the 22 into maximum points.  Dominici finally wriggles over after some good old hit-and-rucking leads to some sublime hands across the backline.  

It is touchdowns like this, and the promise of further like it, that keep us watching the game.  Also, check out the french commentator, who sounds like he is frighteningly close to a coronary.