Blood & Mud

Stuart Lancaster pretty much ruins his decent start as England coach.

New ideas are generally good things.  

Without new ideas we'd still believe that the world was flat, storks deliver babies, Shane Williams is a third choice squad scrum-half, and Iain Balshaw was any good.   Indeed, it was a new and decent RFU idea that brought England's new coaching team into their posts bringing fresh selections to the national team.  So far, so new, so good.

But, an obsession with new can sometimes lead to doing very silly things; the Sinclair C5 and Barrie-Jon Mather for example.  

Stuart Lancaster seems to have fallen into the latter trap by inviting Gary Neville and some other random  sports stars to expound about the honour of playing for England and the behaviour that should go with it.  In his heady excitement it seems the new Head Coach has belted so fast into THE NEW that he has shot straight out the other side and tripped accidentally into the adjoining "What the fuck is this all about then?" room.

Leaving aside the wounded soldier Simon Brown, who everyone should be listening to frankly, here are the others Lancaster believes his players need pointers from for some reason.

Gary Neville - It's hard to think of a more divisive person than the former Man U defender, he is like Marmite if Marmite was a little bloke with a ratty beard and too much to say. Plus, any Liverpool fans in the squad are likely to smack him rather than listen to him.  Lancaster is also treading a very dodgy line in believing that rugby players want to be lectured on anything by anyone associated with association football.

Hugh Morris - Opening bat who played 3 tests for England in the dark days of the 1990s, averaging a not exactly earth shattering 19.16, and captained perennial dross county Glamorgan to the Sunday League title in 1993.  Retired in 1997 to a life of administration at the ECB.  Oh, and he's Welsh!

Jamie Peacock - Great RL player for Bradford Bulls and Leeds Rhinos, and a thouroughly decent and frighteningly hard man.  Has spent his international career losing crunch games in major tournaments to Australia and New Zealand.

Kevin Sinfield - As above, except for the Bradford Bulls and frighteningly hard bit.

No, I don't get it either.

 

Nigel Owens' beautiful bollocking now available on clothing!

Nigel Owens's already legendary scolding of Treviso's Saffer scrum-half, Tobias Botes, (above) was not featured on B&M at the time, but it was pedalled excitedly on the blog's Twitter and Facebook accounts. 

While no excuse is needed for enjoying it again, we have one today as Ruckin' Shirts UK have released a range of "This Is Not Soccer" tees and hoodies for our purchasing pleasure.

 And I thought he would never better his "Get everyone in 'ere" 30-man telling of 2010.

B&M TV present the unmissable new series, 'The Sweeney & Parks'

B&M TV is proud to announce a major new police drama, rebooting the classic cop show The Sweeney.  

The Sweeney & Parks will swap 1970's London for the mean streets of Cardiff in 2012.  Detective Sergeants Ceri Sweeney & Dan Parks are on the same team, but also rivals, and they have a very different approach to crime fighting.

Here's a clip from the first episode "Rumble In Llanrumney".

Female PC Edwards enters room, Parks is standing bolt upright staring in awe at a photo of former Detective Inspector Craig Chalmers on the wall.   Sweeney is asleep on his desk.

PC Edwards: Detectives, a referral has come in, a 65-year-old male has been beaten in the Llanrumney area, initial reports suggest a group of young men in Dragons shirts!

Parks: Pass if to me Edwards, I'll see if the fourth floor will take it

PC Edwards: Why? If you don't fancy it, are you not going to give it your department to deal with?

Parks: Department? What department?  

PC Edwards (pointing): That collection of men on those desks just over there

Parks: I can use them?  Well, who knew?  I'll think about using them, but the fourth floor still looks a good option. 

Sweeney rouses and blinks at the scene in the room

Sweeney: Bollocks to the fourth floor, Parks!  Give it to me, I'm ready for it, I've had an hour's kip and that family whose garden I woke up in last night have agreed not to report anything after I promised them I would lend them PC Halfpenny as a replacement gnome.

Parks: I'm not sure I want to run with this, Ceri

Sweeney: There's a bloody surprise.  Out of interest, when did you last run with anything?

Parks: Just before they transferred me into the Cardiff station, I ran with about three cases and they thought I'd be a decent recruit.  

Sweeney: Whatever, butt, we're taking this.  My strategy is we go up to Llanrumney now, round up everyone in a Dragons shirt and..

Parks: Ask the uniforms to speak to them?

Sweeney:  No!  In your role you have to occasionally do something other than get rid of real work and stare at that hero of yours on the wall.  Sometimes you have to go with it, trust your team, and let them do something with it.  Then if they balls it up I can punch a few people and arrest random blokes and stuff to see where that gets us.

Parks: And you should maybe occasionally do something that doesn't jeopardise entire cases!

Sweeney:   Do you wanna go right now, me and you?  I'll make a saddle for my bike out of your arse cheeks you dismal bastard!

Parks: You wouldn't know how to stitch it

Sweeney: I bet you would

Parks: Actually, I would

Sweeney: Bet you'd send it to the fourth floor to do it though.  

Six Nations 2012: Wales & Ireland name squads.

The big news is about two centres; one in each squad respectively - Gavin Henson be reselected and Gordon D'Arcy clinging onto a squad place better than he did a ball at any time in last year's tournament.

In other news, Declan Kidney seems not undestand the concept of Ulster, either as the place or the team apparently.

WALES (35 man training squad for trip to Poland)

Backs: Mike Phillips (Bayonne), Lloyd Williams (Cardiff Blues), Rhys Webb (Ospreys), Rhys Preistland (Scarlets), James Hook (Perpignan), Jamie Roberts (Cardiff Blues), Jonathan Davies (Scarlets), Scott Williams (Scarlets), Gavin Henson (Cardiff Blues), Ashley Beck (Ospreys), George North (Scarlets), Leigh Halfpenny (Cardiff Blues), Alex Cuthbert (Cardiff Blues), Harry Robinson (Cardiff Blues), Liam Williams (Scarlets), Lee Bryne (Clermont Auvergne)

Forwards: Craig Mitchell (Exeter Chiefs), Adam Jones (Ospreys), Ryan Bevington (Ospreys), Gethin Jenkins (Cardiff Blues), Paul James (Ospreys), Rhys Gill (Saracens), Rhodri Jones (Scarlets), Matthew Rees (Scarlets), Huw Bennett (Ospreys), Ken Owens (Scarlets), Bradley Davies (Cardiff Blues), Ian Evans (Ospreys), Lou Reed (Scarlets), Ryan Jones (Ospreys), Dan Lydiate (Newport Gwent Dragons), Sam Warburton (capt, Cardiff Blues), Justin Tipuric (Ospreys), Toby Faletau (Newport Gwent Dragons), Andy Powell (Sale Sharks).

Ireland after the jump....

Continue reading "Six Nations 2012: Wales & Ireland name squads."

It's now official that the RFU know nothing about rugby

Where to begin with the news that the RFU have appointed a City headhunting firm to look for their new coach?

What the RFU is doing here is admitting publicly that they have no-one at the top of the organisation who has any idea about how to find a man to run the national team.  

I know that many large organisations use headhunting firms, but they are not sports governing bodies, and this is once again another depressing example of how the RFU sees no difference between itself and some multinational in Canary Wharf.  This is what continues to cause so many England fans such despair.

The firm will apparently advise a five-man RFU panel which will include Rob Andrew, leading to the surreal situation of a company that knows nothing about rugby advising a man who has been moved away from a role that has anything to do with the senior national team.

I'm off for a little cry if anyone fancies joining?

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: Heineken Cup

SHIT

BIlly Twelvetrees - Found out terribly at Ravenhill on Friday night.  Haplessness of evening summed up by the Ulster quick-tap bonus point try, when he stood like a statue gawping into space while a player whizzed past him.  

Gareth Davies & Rhodri Williams - Not a great day for the young Scarlets scrum-halves.  Rhodri Williams in particular butchered good possession in the latter stages of the final Scarlets drive to the line and threw the interception for Foden that killed the game.  In his defence, he's not yet 19 and looks a decent prospect.

Bath - Redefining what it means to be SHIT this season.

GOOD

Andrew Trimble - Could have put any one of the Ulster players in here to be honest, but Trimble was exceptional.  Scored two and was also magnificent in attack, often popping up in midfield with a great run or to link play intelligently.  It's been a mystery for some time how the likes of Keith Earls start Ireland games ahead of him, after this game it become Sherlock-esque in its complexity.

Ben Foden - One of the most depressing aspects of the late Johnson era was how poorly Foden played in the white shirt, this display vs Scarlets is ample evidence of how this deterioration was about coaching rather than the player.  We all know of Foden's attacking abilities, but the most impressive part of this performance was how solid his defence was; positioning, tackling, high balls, all were dealt with with aplomb.  

Casey Laulala - Showed the only true bit of class in the game vs Irish.  His wonderful dummy and break, in and out around the full-back and calm offload to Warburton leading to the Blues try that ultimately made the difference in this tie.   Much of the midfield attention paid to the Blues is inevitably on Henson, but Laulala is the true class act in there.

Honourable mentions to Owen Farrell and Akapusi Qera.

Who caught your attention this weekend, for the right or wrong reasons?

England's new Elite Player Squad in full.

Changing of the guard etc, most inexperienced England squad for fifty years, bloke stolen from Wales included, Dave Attwood misses out, Louis Deacon still an international player.  But, in the best news ever heard ever: BANAHAN IS OUT! 

Forwards (18)

Mouritz Botha (Saracens)
Callum Clark (Northampton Saints)
Alex Corbisiero (London Irish)
Dan Cole (Leicester Tigers)
Tom Croft (Leicester Tigers)
Louis Deacon (Leicester Tigers)
Phil Dowson (Northampton Saints)
Dylan Hartley (Northampton Saints)
Courtney Lawes (Northampton Saints)
Joe Marler (Harlequins)
Lee Mears (Bath Rugby)
Ben Morgan (Scarlets)
Tom Palmer (Stade Francais)
Chris Robshaw (Harlequins)
Matt Stevens (Saracens)
Rob Webber (London Wasps)
David Wilson (Bath Rugby)
Tom Wood (Northampton Saints)

Backs (14)

Chris Ashton (Northampton Saints)
Brad Barritt (Saracens)
Mike Brown (Harlequins)
Lee Dickson (Northampton Saints)
Owen Farrell (Saracens)
Toby Flood (Leicester Tigers)
Ben Foden (Northampton Saints)
Charlie Hodgson (Saracens)
Joe Simpson (London Wasps)
Charlie Sharples (Gloucester Rugby)
David Strettle (Saracens)
Maunsamoa Tuilagi (Leicester Tigers)
Jordan Turner-Hall (Harlequins)
Ben Youngs (Leicester Tigers)

 

Bloodandmud.com (predictably daft) predictions for 2012

"Haskell-San no more want to run at people, he want make paper beauty of him own self"

1. IRB to address the scrum issue; ruling that all scrums will now require the forwards to make a heap of bodies on the floor while a back either quick-taps or kicks for touch. This will save 3.4 years in lost game time across an average season.

2.  Rob Andrew will chair a press conference about the Olympics; he will have an official badge on and speak with great confidence about what his role at the 2012 Games does not involve.  After an hour of questioning no-one will be any clearer about what he was doing there.

3.  Dan Parks will be replaced as a Scotland impact sub by an upturned yard brush stuck in the ground.  No-one will notice.

4.  The national press's main rugby writers will publish a "My Current Lions Fifteen" column every hour, on the hour, for what will seem like the whole of eternity.

5.  Stuart Lancaster will select a young and promising squad.  They will lose by 3 points in Rome on the opening weekend on the Six Nations, prompting the recall of Simon Shaw, Mike Tindall, Phil Vickery and Dean Richards.  Stephen Jones of The Times will blame it all on rugby league.

6.  Wales will win the Six Nations. Or at least they should.  If they don't then Gatland, Edwards et al need a good hiding.  (NB.  The blog is not voluteering to carry this out)

7.  Ireland will cope without the injured semi-deity O'Driscoll as his dad will send a certain ancient carpenter who happens to be a handy outside centre down to plug the gap.  They never mentioned that in the good book or at mass, did they?

8. Phillipe Saint-Andre will introduce consistency of selection to the French team, this will bore the players and they will resort to performing show tunes in defence.  Marc Lievremont will be seen smiling in the crowd.

9. Inspired by Tom Cruise in the "The Last Samurai", Haskell-San will go native and be unavailable for England selection due to dedicating his next twelve months to making origami sculptures of himself in various masculine poses.

Give us your predictions in the comments.  

Thanks for your attention, comments and interest in 2011; your patronage of this simple little blog is always appreciated and never taken for granted.

Look forward to seeing you all here again in 2012.  Happy New Year! 

Rugby Video: Leicester commit two yellow card offences at the same time within a two-feet radius

Leicester are famous for their uncompromising, solid and let's be honest very successful play.  However, even for them this must be a first - two players binned for simultaneous, separate offences, on different opposition players, occuring right next to each other!

George Chuter hits Morgan Parra late after the Clermont man pops a pass, and Manu Tuilagi immediately windpipes the bloke that receives Parra's pass.  Oustanding work.

As an aside, the more we see of Morgan Parra the more our man-crush on him increases.  He looks about 12 and weighs about 9 stones, plays with a style of such insouciance it's like he hits a huge bong before kick-off; yet he tackles like a demon, will play in any position with flamboyant aplomb, and now it seems he will mix it with a gnarled hooker if he feels aggrieved. Brilliant.

And as for Manu Tuilagi: for all his talent, he really needs to stop being such a knob-end. 

Thanks, as ever, to Rugby Dump for the vid.

On Jonny Wilkinson's international retirement

Jonny Wilkinson, the man whose wrong foot half-volloyed England to a Rugby World Cup, has announced that he will not be pulling on his nation's shirt again.  He will instead focus his efforts in the red and black of his French team, Toulon, who will now reap the full benefit of his attitude and solid and competent game management.

Many may see the last sentence above as some kind of sarcastic barb, or damning with faint praise, but it's not - Wilkinson was and is a very good fly-half.  Not many can claim to be a record breaker and an era definer - which he was in terms of the new muscularity he brought to the 10 channel.  

Continue reading "On Jonny Wilkinson's international retirement"