Blood & Mud

England 14 - 28 Australia: The SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings

It was the first real test of the Martin Johnson's New England, which of the players goes away with a Blue Peter Badge and which ones with a Peter Sutcliffe Badge?

Delon Armitage: GOOD - England's (bizarrely) fifth choice full-back grew in stature once again a further cemented his place.  Added a drop-goal to his already impressive display of skills at international level.  Due to his outshining of everyone who is meant to be better than him, this blog has now officially adopted him as our mascot and inspiration.

Ugo Monye: SHIT - the computer is ruthless in its judgements, but to be fair he didn't get the ball much and when he did it was swung wide on first phase. Thus he only had the options of kicking, being tackled by four Wallabies, or running into touch weeping in frustration most of the time. 

Jamie Noon: SHIT - What is Jamie Noon for?  His passing is garbage, his angles aren't the best, we've only seen him sidestep about 3 times in his career and his jaw is a very strange shape.  However he can tackle quite hard, which is apparently enough to earn an international start.  Sure after this performance that will not be the case anymore; if Mathew Tait doesn't get a start in the next match I am going to punch a cat in the face.

Riki Flutey: SHIT - Tried his best to manufacture something, unfortunately all he could come up with some some missed tackles, lateral runs and ponderous passes.  Defensively forming an Axis of Feebleness with Cipriani.

Paul Sackey: SHIT - See Ugo Monye, and add on the fact that Sackey gave away a stupid penalty in his own 22.

Danny Cipriani: SHIT - A couple of little breaks aside this was a mediocre performance from THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF RUGBY (© The British Media).  Kicking was fitful, and there is little to suggest that his much vaunted partnership with Flutey is offering anything at the minute.

Danny Care: GOOD - Busy as ever, and his passing is a revelation after the soporific service of Shaun Perry and the like. First scrum-half since Matt Dawson to offer a genuine threat around the fringes, did enough to gloss over his missed tackle and dodgy fielding of a kick in his own 22.

The Entire Front Row: SHIT, SHIT, SHIT - Right up there with being out-run by a morbidly obese dwarf is being out-scrummaged by the current Australia pack.  After retirement, this lot will weep quietly in the night about this game and Andy Sheridan should be doubly ashamed for being owned by Al sodding Baxter. 

Steve Borthwick: SHIT - Pretty average around the park, but mostly SHIT for the inability to reign in the penalty count against his team.  The number of penalties was bad enough, but the fact they were all so kickable smears shit all over the injury already insulted.

Tom Palmer: SHIT - Did nothing to suggest that any of us should change the opinion formed after all his other international appearances: that he looks like he is the solution to the second row problem, but somehow isn't. 

Tom Croft: GOOD - Young player who did enough to ensure that he will keep his place, and Haskell certainly didn't show much coming off the bench to suggest he should replace the Leicester man

Tom Rees: Insufficient Data - Was he doing a Richard Hill; doing load of amazing stuff that is not obviously apparent?  Or, was he more like Magnus Lund and just not achieving much?  We suspect the latter.

Nick Easter: GOOD - The Quins man scored a try, off-loaded to good effect and showed some character all around the pitch.  Could it be Jonno has the wrong man as captain?

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England 14 - 28 Australia: The SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings

It was the first real test of the Martin Johnson's New England, which of the players goes away with a Blue Peter Badge and which ones with a Peter Sutcliffe Badge?

Delon Armitage: GOOD - England's (bizarrely) fifth choice full-back grew in stature once again a further cemented his place.  Added a drop-goal to his already impressive display of skills at international level.  Due to his outshining of everyone who is meant to be better than him, this blog has now officially adopted him as our mascot and inspiration.

Ugo Monye: SHIT - the computer is ruthless in its judgements, but to be fair he didn't get the ball much and when he did it was swung wide on first phase. Thus he only had the options of kicking, being tackled by four Wallabies, or running into touch weeping in frustration most of the time. 

Jamie Noon: SHIT - What is Jamie Noon for?  His passing is garbage, his angles aren't the best, we've only seen him sidestep about 3 times in his career and his jaw is a very strange shape.  However he can tackle quite hard, which is apparently enough to earn an international start.  Sure after this performance that will not be the case anymore; if Mathew Tait doesn't get a start in the next match I am going to punch a cat in the face.