Blood & Mud

Chris Ashton to end try drought by utilising his greatest/hateful gift

Saracens kick chaser Chris Ashton is determined to end his run of nine England games without a try and intends to unleash his greatest weapon to achieve this.

"I know I've been letting the nation down by not scoring," said the East Midlands Hair Pulling champion today, "and against the Aussies I intend to refocus my strengths on getting the ball over the line."

Asked to give more details about how he will cross the whitewash, he responded, "No, I won't get over the line, the ball will. Instead of shouting utterly ineffectual chopsy insults at opposition who have already run past me, I'll instead use the powerful miasma of hot air from my constantly chunnering gob to propel the ball over the line, then Charlie Sharples will dive on it."

"I've checked, and it's not a knock on in the rules"

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Chris Ashton to end try drought by utilising his greatest/hateful gift

Saracens kick chaser Chris Ashton is determined to end his run of nine England games without a try and intends to unleash his greatest weapon to achieve this.

"I know I've been letting the nation down by not scoring," said the East Midlands Hair Pulling champion today, "and against the Aussies I intend to refocus my strengths on getting the ball over the line."

Asked to give more details about how he will cross the whitewash, he responded, "No, I won't get over the line, the ball will. Instead of shouting utterly ineffectual chopsy insults at opposition who have already run past me, I'll instead use the powerful miasma of hot air from my constantly chunnering gob to propel the ball over the line, then Charlie Sharples will dive on it."

"I've checked, and it's not a knock on in the rules"