It’s British & Irish Lions year, so it’s time for pointless team selections every three hours, like this one featuring injured players. This will continue ad nauseam until the actual squad is chosen out of whoever is lucky enough to be left standing after two international series have been completed between now and then. In the spirit of these times, here is the team we would field if the Lions were playing tomorrow.
15. Stephen Hawking – England
Struggles for pace, but his understanding of the inner workings of the universe means he could use worm holes or some other physics shit to ensure he’s in the correct position.
14. Terry Wogan – Ireland
He might be dead but Terry’s whimsical banter is exactly the kind of pep talk the Lions will need when they are 40 points behind after thirty minutes in Dunedin.
13. Lion-o from ThunderCats – Thundera
A bolter from a fictional land who qualifies for the Lions on residency and actually being part Lion.
12. Jamie Noon – England
Because why the fuck not? What difference will it make anyway when the team is actually announced?
11. An Irish Setter called Broy – Ireland
Boundless enthusiasm and comical ginger hair as a focal point for tour insults and general #bantz
10. Jonny Wilkinson – England
Because he’s Jonny Wilkinson
9. Warren Fury – Wales
Because New Zealand look like they need cheering up
1. Wayne Rooney – England
Lost some pace recently and has the face and build for it
2. Bagpuss – England
A solid stultifying presence to nullify Dane Coles’ all-action approach; a bit like the small Tom Smith vs Os Du Randt in 1997 but far less effective, probably.
3. Andy Goode – England
4. Vernon Kay – England
He’s tall, likes NFL and has an accent that sounds like he should play rugby league. Injury replacement for Sam Burgess.
5. Jim Hamilton – Scotland
KILL JIM, KILL!
6. Gordon Brown – Scotland
Plenty of political skullduggery on the ground to counteract the physicality of Jerome Kaino. Also, there are not enough rugby players with one eye these days.
7. Brian O’Driscoll – Ireland
After the 2013 dropping, Gatland has a great rift to heal with BOD and this could be the chance to both heal that wound and finally allow the Irishman to justify the “extra back row” moniker often given to him
8. Bryn Terfel – Wales
Plenty of carrying bulk in the loose and beautiful baritone singing in the tight will cause some real problems for Kieran Read