217 things Ross Moriarty could kill, given a dark alley, 20 minutes, and a reason why

1. A pigeon.

2. Freddie Michalak.

3. Your mum.

4. – 9. All five members of Girls Aloud, provided he fights Sarah at a different point to the other four.

10. Spot the Dog from popular children’s book, Spot the Dog.

11. My uncle Dave who was arrested for stapling a man’s head to a picnic bench outside a pub in Somerset.

12. Someone who says Forrest Gump is over-sentimental tripe (Forrest Gump, according to June’s edition of Rugby World, is Ross Moriarty’s favourite film, apparently. I was expecting it to be a six-hour German art film comprising of nothing but footage of grown men screaming in pain. Ross considers it a comedy, and watches it weekly).

13. Another pigeon.

14. Spartacus.

15. Racism.

16. Rob Howley.

17. The penguin that says ‘Smile and wave, boys’ at the end of ‘Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa’.

18. Mark Wahlberg, and easily too.

19. Adolf Hitler. The target being already dead is no objective for a Moriarty Murder.

20. Bruce Forsyth, who isn’t dead, and everyone will know it when he hosts the coverage of his own funeral.

21. A third pigeon, because you never see them in pairs.

22. A second Freddie Michelak, produced after Philippe Saint-Andre used the machine from Weird Science to create his perfect woman.

23. Spartacus

24. Academy Award nominee Laura Linney

25. A Luke Charteris-sized Peter Stringer

26. 10 Peter Stringer-sized Luke Charterises

27. Velma from Scooby Doo

28. Francois Trinh-Duc, finally giving the French management an excuse not to pick him.

29. – 30. Everyone in the world who thinks James Hook should be playing 10 for Wales this Autumn.

31. That really smug bloke who used to host Saturday Kitchen, and yet had very low standards as to what constitutes an omelette.

32. The number 33.

34. One of Daft Punk, Ross has too much respect for Random Access Memories as a contemporary piece of art to kill both.

35. Stephen Myler with a cold.

36. Stephen Myler without a cold.

37. A dragon.

38. Everybody worldwide who likes James Haskell.

39. A fourth pigeon, who just came out of nowhere and ate the bread Ross laid down as a trap for the previous three.

40. Mr Thompstone, my old woodwork teacher.

41. The Mona Lisa.

42. Your dad

43. The man who decided the post office you have to visit to pick up packages you weren’t in to collect should always, regardless of where you live, require a Proclaimers-esque trek.

44. John Haagen-Dazs, the inventor of Haagen-Dazs.

45. Xenia Warrior Princess

46. – 54. Several small dogs

55. – 56. Two larger dogs

57. – 60. Some even bigger dogs. Like that one really big dog you saw in the park once during the brief period where you took up running. The biggest dog you’ve ever seen. Moriarty could take THREE of them. AT ONCE. That’s how hard he is.

61. – 67. A bunch of bigger still dogs. We’re talking Clifford The Big Red Dog big. That’s a big dog.

68. The limits put upon him by physics that would have prevented three dogs the size of a house and Ross Moriarty from fitting in a dark alley all at once.

69. His dentist.

70. Michael Cheika (Provided Australia haven’t just been on the receiving end of a questionable refereeing decision, because nothing can contain that anger).

71. Sia Kollisi

By extension, 72. – 104. South African rugby, and the associated individuals

105. Fred from Scooby Doo

106. Me, which would only be fair if this is published and he ever reads it. [Repeated entry from separate list, "Both things Jonathan Spratt could kill given a gun, their home address and a really good lawyer”].

107. The other one of Daft Punk, who was Ross kidding.

108. Comedy, as a concept. Somehow, the German art film survives and now Ross is the only man in the world who can laugh.

109. An Oxo cube.

110. – 123. All fourteen incarnations of Doctor Who, including John Hurt and the new girl one.

124. – 138. The actors who played all fourteen incarnations of Doctor Who, including John Hurt (See 19) and the new girl one.

139. Dan Lydiate’s international career (See 19).

140. – 162. The number of readers who think me doing big clumps at once is cheating.

163. – 174. The number who don’t.

174. – 185. The number who just changed their mind.

186. John Lacey.

187. Former family entertainer Russ Abbot.
188. My other uncle who runs a used bike part business on eBay.

Ross, moments after killing a pigeon.

Shut up this is totally all about rugby. I’m not straying or phoning it in this week at all. You know who deserves to be next on the list?

189. You.

190. Dr Roberts, Jamie.

191. Dr Robert, by The Beatles.

192. Paul Sackey, who for all I know could easily be a case of (See 19) too.

193. Jackson Pollock, but not before he’s tried to sell Ross one of his paintings. Ross dismisses them as lazy, pretentious bullshit and commits a murder. Jo Nesbo, in the next room, gets an idea for his next book.

194. The veil between life and death, making all people immortal.

195. Someone else anyway.

196. A fifth pigeon. This one has never met the other four.

197. A handicapped Jason Statham. A full-powered Stath would be a tough call.

198. A leaf.

199. – 207. Eight chimps

208. Maxime Mermoz, the last French rugby player stupid enough to enter this back alley.

209. Fringe Harry Potter character Lavender Brown

210. Shaggy from Scooby Doo

211. The rising price of the Freddo

212. Brexit.

213. George Clancy, finally.

214. Gloucester’s ability to keep him and stay under the salary cap

215. The concept of pain

216. Schrodinger’s Cat

217. This list.

Miraculously, Daphne and Scooby survive.


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