Blood & Mud

Autumn Internationals: GOOD Team

First of all some caveats: I didn't see any France games, so none of their team feature here.  If any of them deserve to be in please make your cases in the comments, if you're not too busy shooting down the other selections, that is.  Also, this is a team from the best perfomers from the last month, it is not meant to be a World XV, hence there are some people in here that would not realistically make a World XV at the minute, Ben Youngs or Chris Ashton for example.

15 - Mils Muliaina.  Many will make a case for Kurtley Beale and his gangly, pacey, clever kicking prowess, but for me the Kiwi is utter class.  The timing of his runs as well as the angles are always perfect, he is incredibly strong in the tackle both with and without the ball, and his hands are a delight also. 

14 - Chris Ashton.  Leaving aside being made to look a bit silly when sidestepped for the Boks' try, he was consistently inventive and exciting.  A very natural and instinctive talent, which much not be lost as he goes through England's all too often identikit player creating treadmill.  

13 - Brian O'Driscoll.  His try against the All Blacks, in which he gloriously picked up one-handed at full tilt, grabbed all the headlines, but in reality that was the least impressive thing he did in that game.  His defence, carrying, and his often unsung work at ruck were outstanding.  Shows no signs of slowing down as he hits the awkward early-thirties.

12 - Ma'a Nonu.  SBW offers something different, but the big man has done enough to hold off the challenge of the ex Leaguer for now.

11 - Hosea Gear.  When he runs with the ball, how many times do you find yourself screaming at the TV "TACKLE HIM FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!", before realising that about four people are trying to and failing miserably.

10 -  Dan Carter.  At about 50% for most of the games and still looked different class.  If he is fit the All Blacks definitely win the World Cup, if he doesn't then it's only probably.

9 - Ben Youngs.  In the absence of any outstanding nines, he was about the best of the bunch.

1 - Andrew Sheridan.  Has been massively overhyped in the past, but he was strong in the scrum and in the loose this last month, while his nearest rivals were not really putting their hands up.

2 - Bismarck du Plessis - Again, few outstanding hookers, but this fella is as good as any and was consistent.

3 - Adam Jones.  Excellent again, as always

4 - Victor Matfield.  Showed some fancy footwork to score a couple of tries, as well as everything else he does so well

5 -  Brad Thorn.  An awesome unit who is awarded extra points for also having a giant head.

6 - Stephen Ferris.  Close one this, could have been Kaino, Juan Smith, or indeed Croft.  But Ferris gets my nod.

7 - Richie McCaw.  Just been awarded IRB player of the year again, for reasons that are all too obvious all of the time.  Twat.

8 - Kieran Read.   A special find for the All Blacks, and when you can say that you know he must be really special.

P.S.  Sorry for the lack of updates, internet and illness issues have laid us low.  But we are certainly not dead, despite what one commenter has said.

Fiji cited for illegal use of Jedi Mind Trick

Ryan Jones smiles during his counter mind control training with Tasker Williams and Ray Gravell in the summer

The IRB has today confirmed that following the 16-16 draw with Wales on Friday the entire Fiji squad has been cited for contravening Law 2345.71- "Use of Fictional Quasi-Religious Mind Control".  The governing body had previously made it clear to Fiji that they would not tolerate this again after the 2007 World Cup result between the two teams and introduced the new law immediately after the tournament, so we can expect harsh punishments if the charge proved. 

Citing commissioner Paul Ingnitpicker said, "Having reviewed the footage of the match it is quite clear that Wales, a normally relatively sensible team, were behaving very much out of character.  On further inspection it is obvious that Fiji were controlling them very much like Obi-Wan with the Storm Troopers and the droids they weren't looking for."

Fiji manager Talemo Waqa reacted angrily to the citing, "This is quite ridiculous. There is no way that our team could control the entire Wales team for that length of time.  Andy Powell would be no problem obviously, and maybe George North with him being a youngling, but the the entire team would require Yoda levels of ability and we have only completed the Anakin Diploma."

Wales have undergone anti mind control training from dead Jedi, but the success of this has now been brought into question.  Wales scrum-half Richie Rees said, "Something was definitely up on Friday. Against Australia I was rapid, but this time I would think about a sniping run then change my mind and pass incredibly slowly for no reason I can explain.  But every time it happened a Fijian would be slowly waving his hand in front of my face and talking in a measured tone." 

 

LIVE BLOG! England vs Samoa

Video: England 35 - 18 Australia; highlights

GASP! as England move the ball at speed

KEEL OVER! following an England move that involves going up the short side from their own line and scoring

NOD APPRECIATIVELY! at Kurtley Beale's footballing skills

CALM YOURSELVES! after a result and performance that suggests there may be better to come

It's all here...

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: Autumn Internationals, round one

SHIT

Wales' eyesight - Most people can spot a line of fourteen men dressed in lurid gold stretching 50 metres across a field, those who struggle to do so are usually either blind, drunk or both.  Wales' players can now be added to that list after they continually moved the ball 10 metres away from the ruck on every attacking phase against the Aussies on Saturday, despite the Wallabies' defensive alignment.  It was screaming for some direct running around the fringes to pull them out of shape and yet it happened about three times in the whole match.  Hard to know who to blame for it, but you would have thought that Mike Phillips should have seen it and called the forwards in, or that Stephen Jones could at least have shouted for some inside runners off him.  Frustrating.

Steve Thompson - His chucking in was never the best before his extended leave from the game,  it seemed to be OK on his return.  Until yesterday, that is.  Given England's traditional problems outside the set piece, the last thing they need is for the lineout to fall to pieces.  On top of that, he gave away a bucketload of stupid penalties as well.

Every Ireland forward - Hard to single out anyone after a day when the set-piece disintegrated to such an extent that the scrum looked like an aluminium can taking on a tractor, and the lineout like a group of giant drunken clowns enacting an episode of Total Wipeout. 

 

GOOD

Kurtley Beale - Much will be said about David Pocock this Autumn, and quite rightly so, but the young full-back showed a range of skill, pace and audacity that has not been seen since the likes of Glenn Osborne.  Also bears a striking resemblance to Luis Guzman, which gives him bonus points.

Ronan O'Gara- This blog's feelings about the Munster whingebag are well known, but we have to hold our hands up and say that his 20-minutes vs the Boks completely changed the game.  And you can hardly be too harsh on him for missing a last minute kick from the touchline when his forwards seemingly do not even know how to bind in a scrum properly.  

Sonny Bill - Faded a little towards the end, but as a debut at a pretty imposing away ground goes it was a good as could be expected.  Lovely off-load for the opening try, and he looks like he could be set to be around for a while, albeit not as a starter, as he's not going to dislodge Conrad Smith fully any time soon.  Very few could

Who makes the cut or should be cut with a massive sword for you lot?

Autumn Internationals Preview: Samoa

Form - Not brilliant to say the least. Lost at home to Japan in the Summer but did beat Fiji.

Strengths - Physicality and dynamism tied with a few quality individuals. They scared the shite out of England in the 2007 world cup with a mixture of those three things.

Weaknesses - Lack of real quality across the park shows the longer games go on. Often competitive until about the 60 minute mark, then better teams pull away. However, given their resources, having such a decent squad is an amazing achievement really.

Key Player - Seilala Mapusua. One of the best centres in the business.

Expectations - They will hope they can steal a win somewhere, but I can't see it. Keeping the difference down to ten points in both games is probably what they shuold aim for.

Autumn Internationals Preview: New Zealand

 

Form - Have spent the last year prison shaming virtually every team that has dared to come near them, particularly the Boks.  The Wallabies bucked the trend by grabbing a thrilling win last week (see above), but in statistical terms that is what the boffins refer to as an outlier.

Strengths - They only have two really; the forwards and the backs.

Weaknesses - The Aussies showed that if you go toe to toe with them in terms of attack, they can be broken down.  However very few teams will have the cojones, the talent or indeed the ball for long enough to do that.

Key Player - Conrad Smith.  Quietly gets on with being arguably the best 13 in the world while everyone else tries to work out how the hell he does it.

Expectations - UK & Ireland conquest in four merciless steps

Autumn Internationals Preview: Australia

Form - Just beaten the best team in the world at the eleventh time of asking, but their Trinations was inconsistent.  And that's putting it kindly. 

Strengths - The scrum is far better than most people on this side of the world give it credit for, and the lineout is much improved with the form of Nathan Sharpe.  The 10-12 axis of Fingers Cooper and Matt Giteau might just be the very best in the world at the minute and they are devastating in the back three. 

Weaknesses - Defensively they are not best, and their attacking play can go from irresistible to inexplicable if they don't get going properly.  Lack a place kicker of proven reliability. 

Key Player - Rocky Elsom.  Captain and inspiration, harder than a bare-paw boxing alleycat. 

Expectations - Two wins from two games. 

Autumn Internationals Preview: Wales

Form - Not great.  Only managed to best Scotland and Italy in the Spring, followed by the routine beatings down south in the summer.  

Strengths - Ordinarily it would be a very solid and classy midfield, but injuries are such that this is rendered irrelevant.  However, in Phillips and Stephen Jones they still have one of the best 9-10 pairings around.

Weaknesses - The squad has been so battered by injuries that I, being Welsh-born, was expecting the phone to ring at some point this week. They are basically without a full-back at alland.   Injury-related issues aside, the lineout remains something verging on a joke, and not a very funny one.  A Michael McIntyre joke, if you will. 

Key Player - Bradley Davies.  A revelation thus far, not an understatement to say there is something Johnsonesque about him. 

Expectations -  To come out of it with dignity intact seems the obvious answer and any team in the world would struggle with losing so many players, but if any coaches are perfectly suited to such a siege mentality situation it is Gatland and Edwards.  Will beat Fiji, but will be up against it in the other matches.

Autumn Internationals Preview: Scotland

Form - Better than at any other time recently. Good win in Argentina, club sides doing OK (which is good for them).

Strengths - Solid, experienced second-row; back-row in the true Scottish tradition of dynamism and destruction.

Weaknesses - Still hard to see where tries will come from and who will score them, hence the drafting in of Joe Ansbro. In recent years the Scots' back line has demonstrated all the creativity of a turnip, but a glance at any Edinburgh game this year is enough to tell us this might be changing

Key Player - John Barclay. Beating heart of all the recent Scottish improvement

Expectations - One win and some consistent improvement, particularly in getting over the whitewash. Must beat Samoa at home, but realistically anything else is a massive extra as I don't expect South Africa or NZ to have the kind of  brain-fart the Aussies had at Murrayfield last year.