It’s a game played in every pub, clubhouse, […]
Brilliant coach, Six Nations champs, highest ranked European side and have a draw more favourable than a 2am kebab; so why does this blog have a sense of trepidation when it comes to the men in green? For a start, there's Jonny Sexton. For all his quality, there is still a large question mark hanging over his abililty to be consistently great when it gets down to the business end of things. He has looked jittery in the extreme in the warm-ups and deep down,can he be trusted to slot those two difficult kicks required to win a tight semi-final? But they do have quality back to front and if Sexton can settle they will be in with a shout of going all the way to the final. They desperately need to win their group otherwise they face the quarter final vs New Zealand, which will likely end in shamrock shaped tears.
Key Player – Jonny Sexton. See most of the above.
Headline On Exit – "The Fields of Athen-bye"
The final weekend of the tournament led to much data for the computer to process, but the output is clear as ever. The S/G Ratings are of course not definitive, and the computer often leaves out MoM recipients as they are covered on many other sites, so if you want to throw your nominees in then please use the comments.
James Haskell – How many times do we have to go though this before this hideous selection mistake is consigned the the SHITbucket Of History? Knocked on more regularly that a 14 year old with wanker's cramp, was not particularly physical (his stong point, apparently) and then did a WWE/Christophe Dominici flying leg-scissors and got himself binned. And that's before we even get into the issue that his inability to pop pass properly vs Scotland meant that England didn't win the championship. Please, please, please, please stop this madness now. Please.
Scotland – Often it looks like Scotland are a half-decent side lying dormant within some poor decision making in key moments. This weekend they looked like a terrible side hidden within an even more terrible one. Had one job at the weekend, to not be SHIT. They failed.
A disco-free weekend for the computer to process, let's see where the data takes us.
Jonny May – That turn of pace is world class. Not much else is.
Scott Spedding – Two matches in and other than cause people to marvel at his size for a full-back he has done absolutely nothing. Also doesn't like he's capable of doing much either.
Simon Zebo – Cheeky chappie, clever back-heel flick merchant a few years back, looks class. Is not really, when you look closely.
The computer has already passed judgement on the unexpected win for England in Cardiff, so here it takes on the other two matches of the weekend.
Italy vs Ireland – Rugby, but not as you know it. A spluttering, stuttering, stammering mess until Ireland got the "stop pissing about" signal from the bench, aka Ian Madigan, and looked like a functioning rugby team for a bit. There is a tendency in the Six Nations for everyone to say every game is great as there is a certain amount of drinking the Kool Aid that goes on with this tournament. Let's be clear, this one definitely was not, it was SHIT.
Camille Lopez – Much was made about his snazz, pizazz and jizz-jazz being what France need to get them going, but from what the computer could see he's another one off the "Will This Do?" fly-half production line that France appear to have utilised exclusively for some time.
1. Thomas Domingo – There was very little that was GOOD about France this year. Ironically one of the things that was GOOD was the little prop.
2. Richard Hibbard – Looks like an extra from Geordie Shore, but Wales have uncovered another tangerine gem here. Let's hope he doesn't go the way of the previous one
3. Adam Jones – You run out of superlatives with this fella. Hard to imagine this was the bloke who, ten years ago in the Steve Hansen days, played the first 20 minutes before being hauled off looking like a truck driver jogging wheezily towards a transport cafe. He's now more like the truck than the driver. A truck fueled with bionic piss.
4. Joe Launchbury – Lost the physical battle in Cardiff, but other than that a fine tournament for a 21-year-old with great promise. Good name as well.
James Haskell – because it's the rules
Craig Joubert – Whistle tourettes, which he evidently had in the Scotland vs Wales game, is bad enough, but his constant lecturing of the front rows about how to scrummage was as ridiculous as it must've been infuriating for international rugby players. Awful.
Danny Care – I admit to once rating this fella when he was a young prospect, but he has consistently failed to impress at this level, especially on Saturday. And his haircut makes my eyeballs itch. I'd much prefer Lee Dickson, who I believe suffers in selection due to looking like a horse doing a cartwheel when he passes and so is not trusted by coaches, due to not looking "right".
The Six Nations is the caviar of Northern […]
Ronan O'Fucking Gara – It's like the Gods of fortune aligned perfectly for this blog on Sunday – I should've got myself down to the bookies as all my bets on the 6 Nations would probably have won. First he was benched behind a 12 year old from Ulster, then he came on to sort the game out and executed the most brainless cross-kick since a caveman tried to kick a boulder with no shoes on, then he threw the terrible pass on Ireland's last attack that caused the knock-on to end the game. My wife made me sleep on the sofa as I was still giggling at 2am
Phillipe Saint-Andre – He's becoming something of a fixture here isn't he? Took a team that was performing perfectly well and put Michalak in it. Says it all really.
Right, the last time I wrote a half-arsed […]
As 90's Manchester band James sang in the opening lines to 'Come Home', "it's that time again when I lose my friends.."
Luciano Orquera – As much as I feel for the bloke, who gave a performance so bad it required a soundtrack of comedy HONKS! and BOIIINNGS!, I fear that if he played well for a second time then the world would be sucked into a hole of dark matter. So it seems he did us all a favour.
Jamie Heaslip – Hands like feet, not much carrying and unable to galvanise his side at home in a game that required more mongrel than a Battersea Dogs Home audit.