Blood & Mud

The RFU once again shows its glorious leadership of the game

The RFU is the body in charge of our favourite game in England.  This is a multi-million pound operation that currently cannot organise even a proper management structure, or decide which body has been officially appointed to tell us all how crap England were at the Rugby World Cup.

In short, they are like some giant, confused, borderline psychotic badger who can't find its way back to the sett.

This state of affairs iss bad enough in itself, but this week the RFU have decided to charge Gloucester's Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu for having an opinion and, even worse, putting on this new-fangled 'internet' thing.

For a far more considered and less badger metaphor related argument as to quite how disgraceful this is then please visit this site.

The bloodandmud.com awards 2011

What Just Happened? Award - Leinster, for enacting the greatest turnaround since Nick Clegg signed the coalition agreement

Enron Award for Management Excellence - The RFU

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Failure (sponsored by the British Bankers' Association) - Wasps.  It's been a season to forget, then to remember, then cry, then forget again.

Pinch Me Award - Saracens, for finally winning something after such a very long time.

Body Snatcher Award - Tom Palmer, who is almost definitely an alien rogue being in the shape of the player we once called Tom Palmer

Highlander Immortality Award - Brian O'Driscoll:  There can be only one.

Ambivalent Conclusion Award - Martin Johnson.  It is getting better for England; the Wales & Italy games were quite good, then it went downhill a bit, but then the Ireland game was rubbish.  So is he doing a good job?  Buggered if we know.

Salvador Dali Award - Marc Lievremont, for taking what should be a straightforward job of selecting a team and transforming it into a surrealist art masterpiece.

False Dawn Award - Scotland.  Again.  When will we learn?

Dr Spock Award For Most Confusing Use of Baffling Logic - Every disciplinary panel in Europe.   They must have a considered and clever reason for their decisions, but it's mostly lost on us fans.

Sir Alex Ferguson Mindgames Award - Warren Gatland.  Difference being that Sir Alex actually wins things.

Yoink! Award - Harlequins, for an excellent bit of pick-pocketing on Stade in the Amlin final.

Any more for any more?  

Coin tosses and other strange selection techniques

The news that Saracens have decided not to bother actually thinking and using reason about who's the best scrum-half for the job of winning the Aviva Premiership and are instead tossing a coin led us to ponder some other strange selection techniques that have been employed over the years.

The Jenkins/Thomas Rotation - The heart of Welsh rugby is not so much a player, or a team, but a number - and that number is 10.   For years there has been a battle for the essence of the game in Wales, pragmatists on one side and romantics on the other, and whoever is selected at outside-half at any one time is a good indication of which side is winning.  This was never more aptly demonstrated by the Neil Jenkins vs Arwel Thomas quandary of the early to mid-nineties.  Jenkins was the technician; flawless with the boot, solid with his hands , decent in defence and with the pace of a particularly tired middle-distance runner;  Thomas was small, quick, cocky, and like a jelly in defence.  The pragmatists won, Jenkins making the shirt his own and seamlessly giving way to Stephen Jones.

The Lievremont Plan - We don't think Marc uses coins.  But, if he did use coins he would proabably have ones that were heads on both sides, two-thousand of them, and then spend four days trying to throw a tail.  He would then melt them all down and make a bronze sculpture of a raven that he believes speaks the word of God, telling him who to select and inexplicably picking Damien Traille at full-back.

The Ospreys Option - Put fifteen players on a pin-board in their preferred position, then ask a lion-faced macaque monkey to rearrange them.  Field the outcome.

The England Back-Row Scheme - Assess all options available for all playing conditions and somehow discover that Joe Worsley and James Haskell are always part of the solution.

The Woodward 2005 Variation - Do the complete opposite of what you have publicly stated your selection policy is.

The Late-90s Scotland Strategy - Travel abroad finding players with first names like Cameron and surnames like Leslie and pay for a one-way ticket to Scotland.  Wales also tried this with less success at the time.  England are doing it now, because, you know, their player base is miniscule, eh?

Can you think of any?

Manu Tuilagi's five week ban: baffling and infuriating equal measure

Manu Tuilagi has been given a ban of five weeks for stoving Chris Ashton's napper in and the decision lacks logic on so many levels it could have been written on the lyrics sheet of Frank Zappa's more challenging albums.

Looking at it point by point your brain starts to spin due to the u-turns of logic the panel make.

- The punchings were seen as a "top level entry offence" by the Rugby Football Union's disciplinary panel, which makes sense.

- Disciplinary officer Jeff Blackett then says, "However we also determined that there was some provocation from Chris Ashton who pushed and struck him in the back with his knee."  So, according to them, being pushed in the back somehow justifies a top entry level offence.   Also, why is there no mention that the only reason Ashton shoved him is because Tuilagi nearly took his head off, late and off the ball, with a swinging-arm tackle?

- "The top-end range is eight to 52 weeks and we determined that the appropriate entry point within that range is 10 weeks."  Back to making sense.

- "This was reduced by 50% to reflect Manu's youth and inexperience, his admission of guilt and his genuine remorse."  He's 20, not 12 so youth is no mitigation.  On the 'Admission of guilt'; he was recorded on TV from two angles punching the shite out of someone, how exactly could he plead not-guilty? Then we have 'Genuine remorse'; where he's basically being rewarded for not saying "I'm glad I smacked the bastard and I'd happily do it again"

To finish it all off there is this purler: "This sort of incident is very damaging to the image of the game." Agreed, but it's not as damaging to the wider sport as a group of supposedly learned people demonstrating that outright thuggery can somehow be explained away via spurious, mealy-mouthed, nonsensical and apologist drivel.  Something that is happening far too often.

Aviva Premiership Semi-Final Rugby Video: Manu Tuilagi punches Chris Ashton

 

This is one hell of a smack, and we must all tip our hats to Ashton for staying up.  If anyone has any idea how Manu didn't get a red card for this can you please send them to: mystified@spinelessofficials.com

The dance of the video-denied-video-denied is getting silly now, so instead I've added full highlights of the game for you pleasure, which is all legit and above board and will not be removed by the fun police.

Citing commissioners fear for jobs as Danny Grewcock announces retirement

"I'm too old for this shit"

Bath second-row punching machine Danny Grewcock is to retire at the end the season.  The former England man has decided that he is far to old to play rugby as his 38-year-old radius and ulna can no longer take the strain of panning fourteen people per game.

But, while the faces and kidneys of many opponents will be breathing a sigh of relief, spare a thought for the innocent citing commissioners who will be sweating on their jobs.

"Grewcock accounts for the 40% of the citing business," a source at the RFU said today, "so some downsizing of the citing team is inevitable.  Oh, and downsizing means sacking people, in case you weren't sure."

Video: London Wasps slaying dragons at Twickenham

It's St George's Day this Saturday (23rd April), and unlike St Patrick's Day when the entire world gets bladdered in some pseudo-Celtic alcohol-fuelled nightmare, the good people of London Wasps have instead decided to play Bath at Twickenham.

In preparation for this the club, along with 188BET, used some clever computer-type stuff to project a dragon-slaying game on the side of the the England stadium which the players then interact with.  I don't know how it works, but it does.  

Check out Joe Worsley's technique, let's just say it's rudimentary...

Five things Saracens can expect to learn from training with Miami Dolphins

Everyone's favourite dignityphobic club is off to spend next week amongst the helmeted American pantomime in order to help win the Aviva Premiership.  Coach Al Pacino Mark McCall thinks winning is mainly about a unit of imperial measurement: “At this stage of the season, the difference between winning and losing games can literally be a matter of inches and if a trip to Miami is what we need to gain those extra inches, then that is what we have to do.”  But other than being given a Helix shatterproof ruler by the Dolphins, what else can they expect to learn from the NFL?

1.  Proficiency in standing around whooping and high-fiving after every tackle while the opposition run off with the ball and score

2.  Boba Fett Diploma in Protective Clothing

3.  Compiling vast numbers of increasingly complicated set moves into a giant book, with additional session for head coaches on how to earnestly stare into it when the cameras are on them 

4.  Power baseball-cap wearing

5.  New names for positions.  For example, Blind-side flanker to be renamed Near Side Safety Tackle; wingers to be called Wide Outside Corner Running Receivers; Props to be called Offensive Grips

What else do you think they might learn?

Quote Unquote - Kyle Eastmond move nonsense special

This is the first and last time I am mentioning this transfer on the blog.  The best thing to do with an RL convert is look the other way, leave him to it and maybe, just maybe, one day in the future he'll turn up as a pedestrian international centre in the absence of anyone better.

Here is what some important people are saying about it.

"He is a very exciting player and I sure he will bring a lot to the rugby union party and although I’m not sure where he will play, he will do well."  Really, Steve McNamara (England RL coach)?  How's about we stick him in at Number 8 and let him bust some party moves? 

"He was always very polite and well respected by his peers.  You could tell he had a good upbringing, he was very well disciplined"  Eastmond's former headmaster, Hardial Hayer, tells us absolutely nothing of any use.

“There are similarities in terms of stature and speed [with Jason Robinson], but Kyle is a completely different kind of player, being a scrum-half".  Former RL Man of Steel, Paul Sculthorpe, make a reasonable statement then contradicts the point of it.

“I’ve had no input at all; but he’s a skilful player and I welcome any English talent in the Premiership.” Martin Johnson pretty much says 'For the love of Christ leave me out of this'.

So, there you go.  A truckload of inconsequential nonsense, but at least people south of Rucorn have heard of him now.

This nonsense must stop. Now.

The Telegraph today ran a piece comparing Chris Ashton to Jason Robinson, in four categories of increasingly vapid pointlessness.

That's right, someone was actually paid to use their probably degree educated brain to do this.

What's next?  Courtney Lawes vs Martin Johnson, or maybe Dan Cole vs Jason Leonard?  No chance, because these would be ridiculous and unfair comparisons to make at this stage in the careers of such young players, and would do a disservice to two England legends.  

Somehow, this common sense and respect is not applied or granted to the two from up north.