Blood & Mud

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: Heineken Cup

SHIT

BIlly Twelvetrees - Found out terribly at Ravenhill on Friday night.  Haplessness of evening summed up by the Ulster quick-tap bonus point try, when he stood like a statue gawping into space while a player whizzed past him.  

Gareth Davies & Rhodri Williams - Not a great day for the young Scarlets scrum-halves.  Rhodri Williams in particular butchered good possession in the latter stages of the final Scarlets drive to the line and threw the interception for Foden that killed the game.  In his defence, he's not yet 19 and looks a decent prospect.

Bath - Redefining what it means to be SHIT this season.

GOOD

Andrew Trimble - Could have put any one of the Ulster players in here to be honest, but Trimble was exceptional.  Scored two and was also magnificent in attack, often popping up in midfield with a great run or to link play intelligently.  It's been a mystery for some time how the likes of Keith Earls start Ireland games ahead of him, after this game it become Sherlock-esque in its complexity.

Ben Foden - One of the most depressing aspects of the late Johnson era was how poorly Foden played in the white shirt, this display vs Scarlets is ample evidence of how this deterioration was about coaching rather than the player.  We all know of Foden's attacking abilities, but the most impressive part of this performance was how solid his defence was; positioning, tackling, high balls, all were dealt with with aplomb.  

Casey Laulala - Showed the only true bit of class in the game vs Irish.  His wonderful dummy and break, in and out around the full-back and calm offload to Warburton leading to the Blues try that ultimately made the difference in this tie.   Much of the midfield attention paid to the Blues is inevitably on Henson, but Laulala is the true class act in there.

Honourable mentions to Owen Farrell and Akapusi Qera.

Who caught your attention this weekend, for the right or wrong reasons?

Bloodandmud.com (predictably daft) predictions for 2012

"Haskell-San no more want to run at people, he want make paper beauty of him own self"

1. IRB to address the scrum issue; ruling that all scrums will now require the forwards to make a heap of bodies on the floor while a back either quick-taps or kicks for touch. This will save 3.4 years in lost game time across an average season.

2.  Rob Andrew will chair a press conference about the Olympics; he will have an official badge on and speak with great confidence about what his role at the 2012 Games does not involve.  After an hour of questioning no-one will be any clearer about what he was doing there.

3.  Dan Parks will be replaced as a Scotland impact sub by an upturned yard brush stuck in the ground.  No-one will notice.

4.  The national press's main rugby writers will publish a "My Current Lions Fifteen" column every hour, on the hour, for what will seem like the whole of eternity.

5.  Stuart Lancaster will select a young and promising squad.  They will lose by 3 points in Rome on the opening weekend on the Six Nations, prompting the recall of Simon Shaw, Mike Tindall, Phil Vickery and Dean Richards.  Stephen Jones of The Times will blame it all on rugby league.

6.  Wales will win the Six Nations. Or at least they should.  If they don't then Gatland, Edwards et al need a good hiding.  (NB.  The blog is not voluteering to carry this out)

7.  Ireland will cope without the injured semi-deity O'Driscoll as his dad will send a certain ancient carpenter who happens to be a handy outside centre down to plug the gap.  They never mentioned that in the good book or at mass, did they?

8. Phillipe Saint-Andre will introduce consistency of selection to the French team, this will bore the players and they will resort to performing show tunes in defence.  Marc Lievremont will be seen smiling in the crowd.

9. Inspired by Tom Cruise in the "The Last Samurai", Haskell-San will go native and be unavailable for England selection due to dedicating his next twelve months to making origami sculptures of himself in various masculine poses.

Give us your predictions in the comments.  

Thanks for your attention, comments and interest in 2011; your patronage of this simple little blog is always appreciated and never taken for granted.

Look forward to seeing you all here again in 2012.  Happy New Year! 

Rugby Video: Leicester commit two yellow card offences at the same time within a two-feet radius

Leicester are famous for their uncompromising, solid and let's be honest very successful play.  However, even for them this must be a first - two players binned for simultaneous, separate offences, on different opposition players, occuring right next to each other!

George Chuter hits Morgan Parra late after the Clermont man pops a pass, and Manu Tuilagi immediately windpipes the bloke that receives Parra's pass.  Oustanding work.

As an aside, the more we see of Morgan Parra the more our man-crush on him increases.  He looks about 12 and weighs about 9 stones, plays with a style of such insouciance it's like he hits a huge bong before kick-off; yet he tackles like a demon, will play in any position with flamboyant aplomb, and now it seems he will mix it with a gnarled hooker if he feels aggrieved. Brilliant.

And as for Manu Tuilagi: for all his talent, he really needs to stop being such a knob-end. 

Thanks, as ever, to Rugby Dump for the vid.

The bloodandmud.com awards 2011

What Just Happened? Award - Leinster, for enacting the greatest turnaround since Nick Clegg signed the coalition agreement

Enron Award for Management Excellence - The RFU

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Failure (sponsored by the British Bankers' Association) - Wasps.  It's been a season to forget, then to remember, then cry, then forget again.

Pinch Me Award - Saracens, for finally winning something after such a very long time.

Body Snatcher Award - Tom Palmer, who is almost definitely an alien rogue being in the shape of the player we once called Tom Palmer

Highlander Immortality Award - Brian O'Driscoll:  There can be only one.

Ambivalent Conclusion Award - Martin Johnson.  It is getting better for England; the Wales & Italy games were quite good, then it went downhill a bit, but then the Ireland game was rubbish.  So is he doing a good job?  Buggered if we know.

Salvador Dali Award - Marc Lievremont, for taking what should be a straightforward job of selecting a team and transforming it into a surrealist art masterpiece.

False Dawn Award - Scotland.  Again.  When will we learn?

Dr Spock Award For Most Confusing Use of Baffling Logic - Every disciplinary panel in Europe.   They must have a considered and clever reason for their decisions, but it's mostly lost on us fans.

Sir Alex Ferguson Mindgames Award - Warren Gatland.  Difference being that Sir Alex actually wins things.

Yoink! Award - Harlequins, for an excellent bit of pick-pocketing on Stade in the Amlin final.

Any more for any more?  

Heineken Cup video: Leinster 33 - 22 Northampton, highlights

I know this happened as I was in the stadium as it unfolded in front of my eyes, but I still had to watch the highlights a few times before my mind would allow me to believe it.

And to be honest, I'm still not sure.  What a game.

Julien Candelon, George Clancy, his linesman, Miles Harrison and Stuart Barnes are all a disgrace

What makes rugby a game we all adore is that it is a hard game played mostly within the parameters of what is acceptable.  However, as in all sports, sometimes certain players go beyond these parameters and when this happens, we who love the game have a responsibility to ruthlessly call such actions to account.  

In the Saints' magnificent victory over Perpignan, Julien Candelon hammered Lee Dickson's legs while the Northampton scrum-half was in the air, sending him spiralling like a green and black catherine wheel and causing his head and neck to clatter into the turf below his body with great force (see above).  Anyone who knows anything about the game knows this was deliberate; the act of a frustrated player reacting to his team being 17-0 behind in a massive game and taking his anger out on a soft target.

 

Granted, Candelon was given 10 minutes to think about what he did, but for this blog this was a weak decision by George Clancy and his touch judge, and this was disappointingly given justification by the toadying and obsequieous commentators Harrison and Barnes, who set off on the most disgraceful and apologist account of what happened.  Consider their comments after the incident:

Barnes (watching the replay, as Candelon shoulders Dickson's thighs in the air): "It's a yellow card, that's the right call.  It's a yellow."
Harrison: "It could have been much worse, but [Calderon's] almost trying to pull out, isn't he? To be fair to Candelon, having seen it again..
Barnes (interrrupting): "It's the right call, Clancy gets it absolutely right.  Candelon knows he's been stupid" 

"Trying to pull out"? Candelon, remember, is a winger - and a particularly small and nippy one at that.  Wingers of his type can, at any level of the game, change direction by means of a sidestep within one pace (as many of us forwards have been humiliated by) and a player at his level can stop dead in a boot's length.  To suggest that the Perpignan man could not have pulled out of clobbering Dickson is to ignore the facts to a level that borders on either infantile or (more likely) wilful.  Moreover, even if you leave aside this semi-tedious analysis it all comes down to the fact that EVERYONE KNOWS HE DID IT ON PURPOSE!  

The commentators fell into the unfortunate trap of being cheerleaders rather than rational correspondents.  We all love our game, and we all know the Big Cup is a fabulous competition, but we also expect those responsible for observing the game are honest about the unsavoury aspects and incidents.  It is mealy-mouthed comments such as those above that give those who see rugby as a haven for thuggery ammunition to fire, but we in the game must be the harshest judges of it else we do it a disservice.

Anyone who feels I am overreacting should take a look at Calderon as he sits in the sin-bin.  His countenance is not that of someone disappointed at being sent from the field, instead his eyes betray  the thoughts of a man terrified that he may have maimed an opponent via a deliberate act of foul play.

The commentators should have the integrity to call it as such.

Heineken demand explanation for "pointless" last weekend of Big Cup group stage

Dutch brewing giants Heineken have demanded an urgent meeting with officials from the European Rugby Cup seeking an explanation as to why they have allowed the last weekend of the Heineken Cup group stage to be about at exciting as watching a radiator warm up.

"This is not good enough" said Erik van Pissbrouw, Director Of Imbibing Strategy for the beer brand, "We spend a fortune in euros on sponsoring this tournament, money that our executives could be spending on marijuana or legal hookers.  The reason we do this is so that loads of rugby fans will see our beer associated with decent rugby and thus forget that it tastes like carbonated anteater's waz.

"The games this weekend are so awful that fans are reduced to worrying about who will qualify for the Challenge Cup, which is akin to worrying which TV channel you want to watch between 5 and 8pm on a Saturday.  Frankly we give over enough cash to fix games so this doesn't happen"

A source at the ERC said that this weekend's action did have a disappointing outlook, but that it will be worth watching to see if Ronan O'Gara tries to start a fight again.  Stuart Barnes said something about it over a twenty-minute period, but we didn't really catch any of it due to forcing a cross head screwdriver into each of our ears to make it stop.

 

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: Heineken Cup, Round 6

The computer has been into the workshop to have its sprockets realigned, hence the absence of the ratings for a little while.  But now, like hatred of city bankers, they're back!

SHIT

Ulster 9 - 6 Biarritz - Some will say that the conditions played a huge part in this soul splintering dirge of a game.   Others, like this blog, will say, "Bullshit!  Did you see Leinster vs Sarries?" 

Munster - Altogether now!  HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HA HA HA HAAAA! Take your 16th man, Fields of Athenry and your all pervasive sense of self-righteousness and fuck off back to, er, being top of the league by nine points.  Can we go back to the HA HA bit please?

Scarlets lineout - It was a corking game vs Leicester, and we must give credit to the Tigers for winning a tough tie away from home, but if the Scarlets lineout had managed to be something other than an exact rendition of an episode of The Three Stooges who knows what the result may have been

GOOD

Sean O'Brien - In the absence of Jamie Heaslip the young Leinster loosie had a stormer.  Carried well, scored a try, assisted another and generally looked the real deal.  There are calls for him to replace David Wallace in the Ireland team, but I have never seen him at seven so cannot comment (any of you got an opinion on it?).  Gets bonus points for providing a wonderful comedy moment when mistaking an advertising board for a team-mate and executing a beautiful pass to no-one and into touch.

Northampton - They just keep on going don't they?

Glasgow - No that isn't a misprint, Glasgow really are in the GOOD section.  Great win with a few first teamers missing over Wasps, in what was a dead rubber for the Scottish side remember.  Wasps on the other hand looked clueless, with the honourable exception of Joe Simpson.

Your nominations in the comments as always please....

 

Crap start to the new year department: Dafydd Jones retires

 

The New Year has got off to a sad start with news today that Wales and Scarlets back row, Dafydd Jones, has been forced to retire at only 31 due to shoulder injury.

Jones was always an underrated player.  He had his share of achievements with great Heineken Cup tie wins (like the spectacular victory over Toulouse, above), two Celtic Leagues and playing in one of the great World Cup games for his country.

He certainly deserved more caps before his injury, given Ryan Jones's awful form and Andy Powell being, well, Andy Powell.

 

Great rugby families, which is the mack daddy?

Alesana Tuilagi waits as a cross-kick heads his way

As three of the 239 Tuilagi brothers prepare to take the same field in the Leicester vs Perpignan game, we have a squint at rugby dynasties. 

The Tuilagis - Seven brothers, six of whom have played or continue to play rugby at a decent level.  One of them, Freddie, winning championships in both codes.  

Strengths: There a loads of them, they are all massive, powerful and most of them bear a passing resemblance to the Predator.   Plus, they all have kids, who even at the age of 6 are probably stronger than Charlie Hodgson.

Weaknesses: The Samoan language has no word for sidestep, and it shows with them  

The Lievremonts - Three brothers from the south of France - Marc, Thomas and Matthieu all played back row for their country.  Granted, Matt only got a cap when he was 33 and the national team was under the mental early management period of his brother Marc, which definitely had a bit of "Our mum told me I had to" about it.

Strengths - They are French forwards, thus they are psychopaths.  Marc carried this mental disorder into his later coaching career, which is nice.

Weaknesses - Not legendary in status, and one of them didn't even get a proper cap.

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The Quinnells - Father Derek and three sons Scott, Craig & Gavin all had careers of varying success.  Derek and Scott are Wales and Lions legends of course.  Craig could have been a contender but he struggled with walking past pie shops and pubs. Gavin was carving out a decent career until he recently received what can only be described as an eye wounding in a game for Llanelli against Cross Keys.

Strengths - All big units, with the additional fear factor that Derek's beard would inspire in opponents.

Weaknesses - Craig would only last about 4 minutes in a fight before collapsing, vomiting then pulling out a Fray Bentos steak and ale he'd been keeping warm in his pants.

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The Ellas - Smallest so far, both in terms of numbers and in terms of bulk.  The Ella brothers, Mark & Glen, are the first backs to feature in the list.

Strengths - Mark Ella is arguably the greatest 10 of all time, and what he loses in power he could more than compensate with guile,  the odd chip kick, and Jedi mind tricks.

Weaknesses - Glen.

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The Armitages - New kids on the block, with brothers all over the park.  Bevon is a journeyman threequarter, Delon is a solid yet gliding international full-back; Steffon a rotund but effective international breakaway; and Guy, the youngest at 17, could yet be the best and is currently destroying other back-rows as a flanker in the London Irish academy.

Strengths - So many names that sound the same could confuse opponents, allowing young Guy to attack when they least expect.

Weaknesses - Delon's shoulder could pop mid-altercation, Bevon might have to head off to his part-time job, Steffon may need food and Guy will have to check his Bebo at some point on his phone

 

Which is your money on?  Let us know in the comments and if we've missed out your favourites then give them a mention too.