Blood & Mud

RBS 6 Nations Match Previews in 140 characters or less

Twitter is worth more than Jonny Wilkinson's 2002 aura these days, so let's have a go at previewing the weekend's action within their arbitrary limits.  Have a try yourselves in the comments.

Italy vs England - Scrumfest, maladroit passing, tense finish involving place kicks and reduced hyperbole and optimism.

Fra vs Ire - Fra dominate scrum, parity in lineout, Fofana shows up D'Arcy, France win due to Ire shocking record in Paris + being better

Wales vs Scotland - Wales win because they are playing Scotland at home.

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SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: RBS 6 Nations, round one

Our stab at who's worth your time and who's worth a kicking after the weekend.  Don't forget to add your nominations in the comments, or I'll send 

SHIT

Phil Dowson - After wanting him in a white shirt for so long, it hurts a great deal to have him in this section, but it cannot be denied that he was poor and outplayed by a child (see below).  Ben Morgan will likely start against Italy.

Scotland line-breakers - If any one of them would have made a single decision that was the correct side of "why the fuck did you do that?" then Scotland would have run out very comfortable winners.

Sean O'Brien - He justifies his 7 shirt thus; lack of fetching skills offset by carrying the ball like an angry rhinocerous who's just received a tax bill.  He's maintaining the former but failing in the latter. 

Ben Youngs - All at sea at the minute, and while this blog still believes that he still has an enormous future, he needs to be left out for a bit to get some form and confidence back.

GOOD

Mouritz Botha - It was a weekend when people with comical hair impressed greatly, and the erstwhile Saffer was among the best of them.  Carried and hit hard, and will cause some selection headaches when Lawes is fit again.  Could England select both?

George North - Let's just remind ourselves again that this lad is 19.  His basics are fantastic, when he carries the ball he is fearsome - as Fergus McFadden and Rob Kearney will testify, and that offload for the second Davies try showed a sublime level of skill and composure.  NINETEEN!  

Warren Gatland - Completely took the wind out of Sonia McLoughlin's journalistic sails by replying "yes" when asked if Bradley Davies should have had a red card.  Honestly like this from coaches is what every sport needs.

Luke McLean - On a day when Italy's pack did the decent job we all expect, the beardy winger was the only back to really show any kind of adventure or flair.

Louis Picamoles - If you're going to drop big Imanol, you'd best make sure whoever comes in is bloody good.  He was.

David Denton - Has civil servant's name and looks like an extra from Fast Times At Ridgemont High, but my word he can play, eh?

Conor Murray - Ireland's young scrum-half was lively all game.

Rugby Video: Top 6 Nations tries from each team

Stuart Barnes might be a large ball of pompous gas these days, but check out his skills in the England try!

Which is your favourite?  Hard to see past Phil Bennett, what a player that man was. 

RBS 6 Nations Preview: Italy

Nick Mallett's gone, Jacques Brunel is in, yet despite this change Italy's problems are all too familiar:  a very good front five, the best No 8 in the world, with some passable outside backs rendered utterly pointless by a half back pairing as useful a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with no ears.

Last year saw the historic defeat of France at the Stadio Flaminio and home ties this time around to the transitional England and never reliable Scotland could maybe see them spring another win, but it aint looking good.  The wooden spoon beckons as per.

Prediction: 6th

Best Named Player: Giovanbattista Venditti - Where do you begin with that one?  Other than changing your name to it immediately, obviously.

We All Want A Look At: Luciano Orquera (pictured), to see if he can be as bad as last year.  Surely it's not possible?  And Sergio Parrisse, simply because he's lovely to look at.

 

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: Ireland 36 - Italy 6

by Mark McKew

With the 6 Nations game between these two being so close, a lot of people were expecting an upset.  The Italians have this week been boasting about their sheer manliness and that testosterone was far superior to Irish shovel-handed farmers.  The ITV commentators subsequently went searching for more details about Testosterone, assuming he was the Italian replacement prop.

The teams picked themselves.  Despite much being made of ROG’s selection it wasn’t a difficult decision to make – Declan Kidney plumping for someone who should in theory be a calming influence and land his kicks despite everything else.

In all a good match. A balanced first half and a crunching second with the Italians unable to string phases together until the last quarter.

SHIT

Italian discipline. There is such a thing as being too fired up.  Every breakdown saw the Italians more concerned with their opposite number than winning possession. The ball was squandered in the first half and near impossible to get hold of in the first 20 of the second.  The only way they could’ve won would was through their forwards, but Bergamasco stupidly and petulantly had a penalty reversed before half-time.  That penalty would have seen Italy go in level. 

Ghiraldini. He knew what he was doing and it was the act of a cunt and a coward.  A ban looms.

ITV Commentators. ‘I’ve never seen so many camper vans in one place. You can bet your bottom dollar that they’re full of Irish’…why not go the whole hog and say they’ll tarmac your drive and sell you some lucky heather while you’re at it? Awful.

Kappa rugby shirts. Time has moved on and gone are the days of heavyweight cotton shirts that would absorb sweat to the extent that the salt contained in their very material could possibly erode your nipples. Fine, every manufacturer puts ‘grip pads’ on their shirt nowadays, but when you start looking like your wearing something so rubbery that Michael Jackson turned it down for his ‘Thriller’ video, you know you look like a dick.  With a johnny on it. A ribbed one.

 

GOOD

Ireland.  Easy that one.

What?

Oh. Alright.  From 1 – 15, Ireland were solid, patient and resilient. It was a genuine team effort but the distinguishing factors were:

Irish Discipline.  For the most part they refused to be drawn into any off-the-ball confrontation.  Cian Healy did well to stick just the one on Ghiraldini despite provocation.  They remained focussed and in the end, that was the major factor in their win.  

The Irish Pack.

Initially the scrums were shared, each side losing some against the head, but once Castrogiavanni and then Bergamasco left the pitch, they were buggered.

Their line-out was criminally unchallenged for large parts of the game.  Clean, crisp ball allowed O’ Gara the ability to look half decent. There, I said it. I feel dirty though. His decision making was at times slow and ponderous and his left-hand pass seemed to take an age to arrive.  You still get the feeling that what Tommy Bowe gives, ROG can still screw up. Time will prove him to be someone who consistently nailed England, but also screwed his country and the Lions on a semi-regular basis.

Tommy Bowe.  Robbed of a try and a penalty try, he sent BOD in for their first.  Does the basics exceptionally well – direct running, drawing his tackler.  But it’s his turn of pace that is most notable.  He takes the ball so flat that at times he impossible to play.  While O’Driscoll knows his clock is ticking down, the loss Ireland face will be considerably lessened knowing Bowe is around.

Cian Healy.  He can kick too! There will be hard decisions to be made about who gets the Lions loosehead shirt in 2 years time, providing Jenkins and Stevens keep their legs going. Without a doubt, Ireland are slowly forming a pack which will see them through the next 10 years, before the RWC finishes. Take note England.  Or don’t. Probably the latter.  

Heaslip.  The best 8 in the Northern hemisphere? Undoubtedly. Top three in the world? Probably. Future Ireland Captain? Yup.  He has it all – the physical presence to break the line constantly, a scavenging mentality, great hands and an ability to read the game better than anything the English pack can offer.  The fact he plays in one of the best back-rows in the world doesn’t hurt.

O’Brien. Where Heaslip takes the piss-poor prattling pundit plaudits, O’Brien gets on quietly with his work. His carrying made Ireland’s job simple, his defence made Italy’s all the more difficult.  He’s the European player of the year for a reason, but you’d hardly know he was on the pitch thanks to ITV’s match commentators.  

Ferris. Not bad either.  As an England supporter, I’m incredibly jealous of the back-row situation.  We have James Nice-But-Dim, Nick Easterislandhead and Lewis Moody, who is only in the team because he has similar hair to Neil Back.

While I’m on the subject, Irish hair. A bit like their game 10 years ago, it’s lustrous, shiny and initially well controlled, but ultimately wild and prone to areas of mentalness (apart from O’Connell and he’s ginger). Alternatively for the Italians, Castrogiovanni aside they had nothing to offer. After his substitution they looked lacklustre and greasy, with only the occasional sideburn on display.  Even Lo Cicero’s highlights couldn’t lift a dull and lifeless display.

The posts. Hit by more balls than Jordan this morning, which is saying something.

Of all the Northern Hemisphere teams, Ireland can go furthest and would present a real challenge for the All Blacks.  It used to be said that if the game was 60 minutes long, Ireland would be World Champions.  Now they’ve shown they can play 80 and beyond.  If they can do that consistently, the next few weeks could be interesting.

SHIT/GOOD Ratings: Italy 53 Russia 17

By Richard O'Hagan

Italy were never really in any trouble against Russia, who were outclassed in almost all respects of this game. Despite that, the second half was surprisingly close, with Italy just edging it 15-10 and probably not deserving to do so. The Italians will be pleased with both the win and the bonus point, which makes a third place finish in Pool C almost certain for them, meaning automatic qualification for the next World Cup. For the Russians, it has been a tough baptism in World Cup rugby, but there were enough bright spots to give them hope for the future.

Anyway, let us see how the Haskellometer rated this game:

SHIT

Wayne Barnes OK, so picking on Barnes is almost as easy as picking on organised religion but, frankly, like organised religion he makes so many risible decisions it is almost impossible not to pick on him. Add to that the fact that, like me, Barnes trained as a lawyer, and that there is nothing lawyes like more than complaining about other lawyers, and you'll see why he's just a turkey ripe for plucking. Barnes' lack of empathy for the games he referees borders on the autistic and he showed it here, completely failing to understand the difference between a scrum which collapses deliberately and one which collapses because it is under so much pressure it literally explodes. His award of a penalty try to Italy for just that 'offense' was so bad it was almost funny - unless you were a Russian.

Vladimir Ostroushko He may have scored a try, but in defence the Russian winger was flakier than a hot day in a skin cancer ward. He gave away one try by attempting to dive on the ball and missing, almost conceded another and was generally more skittish than Bambi on an ice rink

Fabio Ongaro Almost took Igor Klyuchnikov's head off with one of the worst non-tackles I have ever seen. High and with no attempt to either use the arms or play the ball (which had admittedly just bounced off the Russian's head), he was lucky to escape with a mere yellow card

GOOD

Quintin Geldenhuys He might only marginally more Italian than the Pope, but Geldenhuys was immense, lively in the loose and a real menace at the breakdown. Arguably his best game as an Italian

Alexander Yanyushkin The replacement scrum half should have been on the pitch from the start. He was one of the few Russians to outplay their opposite number and was lively around the field, scored a sharply taken try and could easily have had another when hauled down only just short as he darted around a ruck. Must surely start the rest of the tournament for the Bears.

Things you previously thought impossible: Rome is treated like Manchester and Leeds

What do Leeds, Manchester and Rome have in common? No, it's not fountains, nor is it over-zealous police; instead they have all had high profile international sport taken away from them.

Stadio Flaminio has today joined Headingley and Old Trafford in being told they are too SHIT to have top sportsmen play in them.

Rumours that the Flaminio powers that be are planning to install a Gregg's, open a Reflex night club, or start a guitar indie-rock revival to sort this out are yet to be confirmed.

Statgasm: RBS 6 Nations 2011 Tournament (with bespoke and questionable tries formula!)

Here's the Statgasm mack-daddy, taking in the statomographic granularity of the whole tournament extrapolated for the strategic level.

THE TERRITORIAL GAME

Ireland won possession 144 times in their opponent's 22, topping the table.  Wales on the other hand won only 60, which is either testament to how clinical their finishing is, or how poor their territorial kicking was, or both.  Or indeed neither.  Either way it's an interesting and marked difference.

THE DEFENSIVE TACKLE

Wales, perhaps alloyed to their blatant inability to get into their opponent's 22, made the most tackles with 571, a full century more than England.  

However, Wales may have made the most tackles, but their missed tackle average of 7.8 per game was middling, Scotland led the way in that one, missing 9 (NINE!) per game on average - at least half of which seemed to be from Nikki Walker.  France were only marginally better than the Scots, but Ireland and England led the way, missing only 4 per game on average, so credit must go to Graham Steadman and Mike Ford respectively.

Ireland won the most turnovers with 22, and while it felt like most of those were won in the England match they only won four in that outing, suprisingly.  France and Wales are joint bottom with 11.

THE OFFENSIVE TACKLE

Scotland redeem themselves in the off-load figures, averaging nearly twelve a match, with England not too far behind.  Italy wear the dunce's cap in this category, with a relatively meagre 7.4.

At ruck time, Wales managed only to clear 63% of rucks they entered, a figure Italy put to shame with their stellar 86%

KICK IT!

To the surprise of no-one who watched their matches, Wales topped the kicked possession figures with 44% of their ball being hoofed into the ether, closely followed by Ireland on 41%.  Italy were bottom of this one, kicking only 30% away - mainly due to Orquera doing the Riverdance when in possession rather than anything useful.   England, the great hoofers of old, sent 33% of ball spiralling away.

POINTS

Using a formula of subtracting 'tries against' from 'tries for', England come out on top with a net try figure of 8 (13 for: 5 against); followed by Ireland (6), France (2), Wales (-2), Scotland (-5) and then Italy (-9).  If you prefer the old fashioned try figures, England scored the most with 13, and Ireland conceded least with 4.

As you might expect England kicked the most conversions with 11, but they also top the successful conversion percentage figures, with 84% finding their way over.

REFEREE!

Italy had a fantastic tournament in the penalties market.  Not only were they penalised the least number of times with 41 in all matches, they also had the most awarded for them with 71 - that's 23 more than their nearest rivals Scotland had awarded.  What does this tell us?  Who the hell knows, but it's a strange one nonetheless.

In case you were wondering, Wales, with 59, conceded the most penalties.

 

RBS 6 Nations 2011: SHIT Team Of The Tournament (caution, may burn your eyes)

1. Allan Jacobsen - Looks a bit chubby and useless, his play does nothing to disabuse us of this.

2. Ross Ford - Throws into the lineout like a fingerless man in mittens.

3. Tom Court - Every time the Ireland scrum looked solid he would come in and ruin it.

4. Donncha O'Callaghan - A machine, a penalty machine

5. Alun Wyn-Jones - doesn't look like a Lion now does he?

6. Nathan Hines - Even had he played well, which he didn't, this blog is still mystified as to what Robinson was looking to achieve by picking a slow giant in the back-row anyway.

7. David Wallace - Redeeming England game aside he was not best.

8. Sebastian Chabal - Like a dazed hairy caveman trying to mate with a rock. Unsuccessfully.

9. Mike Phillips - Pass too slow, temper too short, kicking inexplicable. See 5.

10. Dan Parks - Normal service is resumed.

11. Nikki Walker - Like Lomu, a big man who's awfully weak going backwards. Unlike Lomu, he's not too clever going forwards either

12. Nick De Luca - People tell us he's better than he was two years ago, so how bad was he two years ago?

13. Matt Banahan - looked alright in ten minute bursts off the bench. Given a full game and the yawning chasm between his ability and international rugby was fully exposed. Can we stop this now Jonno please? Ta

14. Yoann Huget - Another hairy Frenchman who had a terrible tournament. Him and Chabal are like reverse-Sampsons.

15. Luke Fitzgerald - Kidney will be filing the fullback experiment in the "never again" draw. See 5.

RBS 6 Nations 2011: GOOD Team Of The Tournament (and Chris Ashton ain't in it)

1. Thomas Domingo - France's many failings in this tournament could not be laid at the feet of their front row, and this man once again either vaporised or simply gained the upper hand on everyone who faced him

2. William Servat - Still the best in Europe and showed some lovely touches and not inconsiderable pace around the park as well

3. Martin Castrogiovanni - A rock in the scrum and a demented, powerful werewolf in the loose. Needs to shut his yap to the refs, mind

4. Richie Grey - You can only have hair like that if you back it up with good play - being 6'8" helps to stop people taking the preoverbial as well to be fair - and the the Celtic ginormatron was as good as anyone. This was emphasised by how lacking in oomph the Scots were the one week he was injured. Honourable mention to Paul O'Connell, who was very close to this spot

5. Tom Palmer - Or The Player Formerly Known as Tom Palmer, such is his transformation in the last six months.

6. Sean O'Brien - Simply outstanding, particularly given how much he looks like Ram-Man

7. Sam Warburton - Haskell has received many plaudits, but while his energy and tackling is good, his breakdown work is not of the required standard to play seven permanently. In contrast Warburton has it all; pace, tackling, strength, and nous even at his tender years. Showed all tournament that Gatland was right to back him. You could argue that this was one of the very few things Gats got right.

8. Sergio Parisse - It's all been said before. NEXT!

9. Morgan Parra - Inexplicably dropped mid-tournament by the diabolical Lievremont, but showed class and poise either side of that. Youngs started well, then faded, then made an idiot of himself in Dublin, hence he's on the bench.

10. Toby Flood - Probably did enough to hold onto the shirt despite his semi-disappearing act late on.

11. Vincent Clerc - Not exactly a bonanza of in-form wingers to choose from this year, but Clerc was classy every time he played - as ever.

12. Sean Lamont - A revelation at 12 for Scotland and will surely stay there now. And who else is there anyway? Nick "Latent" De Luca or Graeme "MDF" Morrison? No, me neither. No other inside centre stood out, not even this blog's paramour Jauzion

13. Brian O'Driscoll - As Pacino sort of said in The Godfather Part III, "Every time we think he's out, he pulls himself back in"

14. Tommy Bowe - That's right, no Chris Ashton! Why? Well a couple of reasons: Bowe made Ireland's cutting edge about 75% better on his return and, unlike Ashton, when Tommy finds himself in a position where there are people between him and the line his brain doesn't turn into a meat and potato pie filling.

15. Chris Paterson - Foden was solid if unspectacular, Masi was decent once he was finally moved to fullback but was awful on the wing early in the tournament. Paterson on the other hand was great as soon as he came in. Kicked well both from the floor and out of hand, popped up cleverly in the line and deserves to be in here for two magnificent try-saving tackles vs England & Italy alone.

Replacements: Dylan Hartley, Dan Cole, Paul O'Connell, Imanol Harinordoquy, Ben Youngs, Chris Ashton, Jonny Sexton