Blood & Mud

Toby Flood will help you get bionic in the January FHM

Christmas is over, and the food and drink over the festive period has left it mark all over your expanding midriff.  It's January, the snow is due to keep on coming, payday is a very long way off so what the hell do us rugby types do to pass the time and get in shape when we can't go out boozing and there is little chance of play?  

Well, for a start you could get your hands on this month's FHM, which is out now and full of stuff to keep us occupied.  Not only does it have some very nice pictures of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend and Louis Walsh's favourite obsession, Nicole Scherzinger, but it also has a special FHM Bionic pull-out featuring four top sports stars giving you training tips, with England's Toby Flood being one of them.

So, when the games are inevitably called off over the coming weeks, you can instead get indoors and work on Toby's three core areas of training he identifies as vital for modern rugby and rugby players.  And no, one of them isn't golf buggy driving or miraculously transforming into Dan Carter.  

For those of you who like the more, er, robust aspects of the game of rugby, UFC's Michael Bisping will give you some rules on how to batter people in a far more efficient and adroit manner.

Find out more at http://www.fhm.com/nicole

Interested?  Well, as the final sweetener, the mag is also available with a whole pound off the cover price if you follow this very link - £1 off FHM 

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The Ryder Cup of rugby?

Robert Kitson has used his blog in Guardian today to mull the idea of a Ryder Cup of rugby, where the Northern Hemisphere would take on the Southern in an epic battle.  Obviously this will never happen, mainly because there is no need as Rugby has a plethora of international competition already.  

Golf on the other hand has none. It is mostly about individual middle-class blokes travelling the world in dodgy leisurewear getting overexcited about club technology, making money that would dwarf the national debt of Malawi and boring us all rigid in press conferences.  Golf had to create the Ryder Cup to get its protagonists out of their Stepford bubble once every two years and expand its media appeal beyond men who like to talk about cars.

However I digress, as the reason I have brought this up here is because of the teams that Kitson has nominated: 

Pride of the North Kearney; Bowe, O'Driscoll, Jauzion, Shane Williams; Wilkinson, Phillips; Jenkins, Servat, Castrogiovanni, O'Connell, Shaw, Dusautoir, Bergamasco, Harinordoquy.

Kings of the South Muliana; O'Connor, Smith, Giteau, Tagicakibau; Carter, Du Preez; Woodcock, Mealamu, Hayman, Albacete, Sharpe, Fernandez-Lobbe, McCaw, Read.

Obviously there are debates to be had all over the place here, as is the nature of such selections, and I expect you lot to have an opinion below the line in the comments.  However, there is one delicate point I would like you all to consider first:

WHAT IN THE NAME OF STUART BARNES' FACEMOLE IS JONNY WILKINSON DOING IN THERE?

Attention men of playing age in the London area!

Bank of England RFC are looking for players for the new season. The club play in Powergen London 3 North West and also have teams in Middlesex Merit Table divisions 2 and 5.

Players of all ages and abilities are welcomed, even Tom Varndell. Anyone who can play prop or hooker is likely to have their hand bitten off in gratitude, then sown back on with a pint in it.

The club also has a thriving colts section and there are numerous social functions throughout the year.

What are you waiting for?  Contact Simon Devis, Club Captain, on 07799 597 208 or you can email or have a gawp at the website www.boerfc.com

RIP Bill McLaren, the voice of all our childhoods

It is with sadness that we have just heard of the death of Bill McClaren, the man who made rugby come alive for everyone who watched.

The detailed obituaries will no doubt be written on other, far more respectable media than this blog, and they will mention his playing days, his long career in broadcasting and the oft-quoted one-liners, delivered in that lovely Borders brogue.

It is the latter that will forever stay with me.  The excitement of a Five Nations afternoon and McClaren, one of the last commentators to operate alone - without the dreaded "colour" summarisers of the Barnes and Moore ilk - enlivening a game that, in the beginning, I had very little understanding of.  But with Bill that didn't matter.  Eulogies will mention his detailed research prior to games and his coaching & teaching background; but what he did that no-one else could is cause people of any age to feel the game, and it is that emotion he stirred that hooked us all in for life. That was his most precious gift.

His adoration of rugby dripped from every colourful syllable that he uttered; so much so that you almost forgot he was a commentator and instead felt he was your favourite uncle lovingly describing your latest birthday present. 

While the likes of  Eddie Butler and Miles Harrison will be soon forgotten at the end of their careers, "Sir" Bill McClaren will live forever.  RIP.

70 WEEKS! Now that is what we call a ban.

David Attoub, Stade Francais prop and second defendant in the FerrisEye case, had been banned for 70 (seventy) weeks for his part in the rudimentary optic surgery on Stephen Ferris.  This will keep him out of rugby until the end of the 2010-11 season.

Jeff Blackett, the judicial officer in charge, also said Attoub was "less than truthful" in his explanation in testimony - which is lawyer speak for "lying through his teeth".

Given the photo above, anything less that this ban would have been a disgrace.  Stade have already said they will appeal this "un-French" judgement, so if I was Ferris I would now take criminal proceedings against Attoub That would fall within and have the due procedure of British law, something Stade could not bleat about being "the decision of a private body based in Ireland".

The testimony of Stephen Ferris himself makes pretty stark and terrifying reading.

"the contact was very strong and extremely painful - the finger in my right eye was forced downward in a poking and gouging motion; it was someone trying to drive a finger as hard as he could into my eye socket and I could not prevent it"

Anyone who has played the game has had stuff sone to them while helpless at the bottom of a ruck - I can remember having my nuts squeezed for the best part of 10 seconds once - but gouging is the worst of the worst, and seeing it written down like that sends a bit of a shiver down the spine. 

This ban is all David Attoub deserves.

Does Bill McClaren deserve a knighthood?

Well, over 3,000 people in this Facebook group certainly think so, and they are looking to recruit more people to the cause.  Group founder Bruce Aitcheson says:

"The quality of BBC commentators is poor in comparison to the great Bill McLaren. He is an ambassador for Hawick, the Borders, Scotland, the game of Rugby Union and a great of the spoken word. Join me in campaigning for this Legend to gain the recognition he deserves"

Current Scottish international Graeme Morrison has also thrown his two-penneth in for good measure, "You can go anywhere in the world and anyone who knows anything about rugby will instantly recognise Bill McLaren's voice."

Get yourself over to the group and show your support, they'll be dancing in the streets of Kelso if Bill gets one.

Who fancies running up a mountain with Lawrence Dallaglio?

Lawrence Dallaglio is taking part in the Drambuie Pursuit, an adventure weekend up in Scotland in May. To take part, people can either apply for a team of four of their own (applicant plus three mates), or apply for themselves and a mate to join Dallaglio’s team.

There will be 10 teams in total, one of which will be led by Lawrence, another will be led by Kenny "I Get To Sleep With Gabby" Logan, the rest are open to the public. It’ll involve a series of stages including buggy racing, rock climbing, abseiling and white water rafting. Anyone can apply as long as they're over 18 and like doing silly things in the outdoors.

Why should you do it?  Well, the big man himself says, “Since retiring I’ve been looking for my next big challenge which is why I’ve signed up the 2009 Drambuie Pursuit on 8-10th May.  It’s the ultimate adventure race via boat, bike and buggy across the rough terrain of the Scottish Highlands.  I’m used to tough situations so I’m looking forward to putting myself to the test in this 100 mile race.  I’m looking for two people to join my team but if you’d rather race against me, enter your own team and see if you’ve got what it takes.”

Click on this link to see Lawrence himself telling you all about it, and to apply visit here.

Wade Dooley will rule on whether people have engaged in foul play (seriously)

Recently retired policeman and all-round 1980s England second-row nut-job Wade Dooley will start employment with RFU in January as a citing officer.  This means the man who famously broke Phil Davies's jaw in three places at Cardiff in 1987 will now run the rule over cited matters of foul play in the game in England.

I expect his rulings will be rather different to what the RFU are used to:

"In the matter of the cited punch to the Gloucester forward, I find that only a big bloody girly soft-arse would be hurt by that, therefore I am not giving any punishment to the aggressor other than to advise him how to punch properly; but I am sending the Gloucester forward to a boot camp to toughen up."

 

News Maul: Another Lions coach, injuries and Cipriani's boots

- Ian McGeechan has appointed Graham Rowntree as scrum coach for the British Lions tour next year.  This means Geech has looked at the England scrum - the same scrum that was beasted by Australia a few weeks back - and said, "that's the kind of coaching I want for the British Lions".  This is the rugby equivalent of hiring a builder whose last extension fell down in a light breeze, and I thought McGeechan was meant to know what he was doing?

- Rory Lamont is obviously fed up that his brother got to have months off on full pay recently and has decided to have some of that himself.  His cruciate ligament injury will mean he is out for at least 16 weeks, leaving Scotland a winger short for the Six Nations.  It will, however,make it easier for commentators with only one Lamont on the park. Every cloud...

- NZRU are making kissy faces from a great distance at Newcastle prop Carl Hayman, as they want the big fella to return to the land of the long white whinge before his Falcons contract runs out next year.  Hayman himself is saying nothing, but apparently his Mr 10-per-cent is already yapping to the powers that be in NZ.

- Danny Cipriani was apparently meant to go and coach some kids in Trinidad & Tobago, until his most recent ankle-knack put a stop to it.  But, big hearted lad that he is, he has instead sent 15 pairs of his boots to the Rainbow Sports Club on the island by means of apology and he hopes it will inspire them to play like him.  Insert your own joke about the amount of charge-downs the clubs will concede this season.

News Maul: Lions tips, Wales masochism, Zinzan gets nasty

The News Maul brings you snippets of the latest titbits from the world of rugby, before it's brutally pulled down by a forward.

- Scotland and Northampton prop Euan Murray has played down talk of a Lions Test berth after some impressive games recently, saying, "I can't listen to that stuff."  Whether he says this because the tour is still eight months away and, unlike journalists, he has some sense or he is actually deaf is unclear. 

Rumours about the cloning of Lee Byrne and Shane Williams for the backs are still being denied by the tour management

- Warren Gatland has revealed a cruel and unusual streak by scheduling more games for his Wales team against Southern Hemisphere teams.  Gatland insists it is to increase the competition for his team in order to prepare them fully for an brutal assault on the World Cup in 2011.  We think he's done it because he get some sick pleasure from inflicting suffering on his players, the pervert.

- Not that any of this will worry Zinzan Brooke, who has used his BBCi column to tell the Northern Hemisphere they are all shit and have about as much chance in the next World Cup as Ugo Monye getting a membership at Augusta National.  "The gap is just too wide" said the former drop-kicking show off, "and you have to remember that Australia, New Zealand and South Africa came to the UK off the back of a long hard season. They'll be better prepared come the 2011 World Cup."