Blood & Mud

RBS 6 Nations Match Previews in 140 characters or less

Twitter is worth more than Jonny Wilkinson's 2002 aura these days, so let's have a go at previewing the weekend's action within their arbitrary limits.  Have a try yourselves in the comments.

Italy vs England - Scrumfest, maladroit passing, tense finish involving place kicks and reduced hyperbole and optimism.

Fra vs Ire - Fra dominate scrum, parity in lineout, Fofana shows up D'Arcy, France win due to Ire shocking record in Paris + being better

Wales vs Scotland - Wales win because they are playing Scotland at home.

You can follow the blog on Twitter here if you want.

Dan Parks' lower half retires from International rugby

The SRU have officially announced the retirement with immediate effect of Dan Parks' feet from international rugby.

In a statement, the out-half said, "Since my hands retired quite some time ago, I felt that my feet have done a reasonable job and could've gone on a bit longer, but after the charge-down try against England it's clear that my feet can no longer play international rugby either."

Cardiff Blues fans will no doubt be happy that he will now be devoting all of his time and abilities to their cause.

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: RBS 6 Nations, round one

Our stab at who's worth your time and who's worth a kicking after the weekend.  Don't forget to add your nominations in the comments, or I'll send 

SHIT

Phil Dowson - After wanting him in a white shirt for so long, it hurts a great deal to have him in this section, but it cannot be denied that he was poor and outplayed by a child (see below).  Ben Morgan will likely start against Italy.

Scotland line-breakers - If any one of them would have made a single decision that was the correct side of "why the fuck did you do that?" then Scotland would have run out very comfortable winners.

Sean O'Brien - He justifies his 7 shirt thus; lack of fetching skills offset by carrying the ball like an angry rhinocerous who's just received a tax bill.  He's maintaining the former but failing in the latter. 

Ben Youngs - All at sea at the minute, and while this blog still believes that he still has an enormous future, he needs to be left out for a bit to get some form and confidence back.

GOOD

Mouritz Botha - It was a weekend when people with comical hair impressed greatly, and the erstwhile Saffer was among the best of them.  Carried and hit hard, and will cause some selection headaches when Lawes is fit again.  Could England select both?

George North - Let's just remind ourselves again that this lad is 19.  His basics are fantastic, when he carries the ball he is fearsome - as Fergus McFadden and Rob Kearney will testify, and that offload for the second Davies try showed a sublime level of skill and composure.  NINETEEN!  

Warren Gatland - Completely took the wind out of Sonia McLoughlin's journalistic sails by replying "yes" when asked if Bradley Davies should have had a red card.  Honestly like this from coaches is what every sport needs.

Luke McLean - On a day when Italy's pack did the decent job we all expect, the beardy winger was the only back to really show any kind of adventure or flair.

Louis Picamoles - If you're going to drop big Imanol, you'd best make sure whoever comes in is bloody good.  He was.

David Denton - Has civil servant's name and looks like an extra from Fast Times At Ridgemont High, but my word he can play, eh?

Conor Murray - Ireland's young scrum-half was lively all game.

Rugby Video: Top 6 Nations tries from each team

Stuart Barnes might be a large ball of pompous gas these days, but check out his skills in the England try!

Which is your favourite?  Hard to see past Phil Bennett, what a player that man was. 

RBS 6 Nations Preview: Scotland

by Richard O'Hagan

It is difficult to know where to start with the Scots. It is very tempting to hark back to the World Cup and the battling performance against England, to treat that as some kind of sign that Scottish rugby is on the rise, and to predict great things from them for this tournament. However, would mean that we had to ignore the following factors, and we just can't do that to you:

1.  England were rubbish in the World Cup and should have been easy meat for that Scottish side;
2.  'Just losing' to England doesn't mean that Scottish rugby is on the rise, it means that it has been dragged down to England's level;
3.  Dan Parks;
4.  The three best players, on current form, in the Scotland XXII for Saturday are all second rows, which means that only two of them are going to be on the pitch at any one time;
5.  Nick de Luca;
6.  Joe Ansbro, the one Scottish back to know that you are supposed to go over the gain line, not along it, is injured;
7.  Dan Parks;
8.  Whatever has happened to Euan Murray?
9.  It's just really hard to like Andy Robinson;
10. Dan Parks.

In short, it is looking better for the Scots, but it isn't looking that much better and to make matters worse the fact that the level of expectation on them is higher than it has been for the last few years might just make the coming six weeks a lot tougher than they were expecting.

Prediction: 5th

Best Named Player: Alastair Strokosch. Seriously, has there ever been a more onomatopoeicaly named player? 'Strokosch' is almost exactly the sound of a loose forward being flattened two yards behind the gain line.

We All Want to See: Joe Ansbro fit again, and Euan Murray back to his best.

B&M TV present the unmissable new series, 'The Sweeney & Parks'

B&M TV is proud to announce a major new police drama, rebooting the classic cop show The Sweeney.  

The Sweeney & Parks will swap 1970's London for the mean streets of Cardiff in 2012.  Detective Sergeants Ceri Sweeney & Dan Parks are on the same team, but also rivals, and they have a very different approach to crime fighting.

Here's a clip from the first episode "Rumble In Llanrumney".

Female PC Edwards enters room, Parks is standing bolt upright staring in awe at a photo of former Detective Inspector Craig Chalmers on the wall.   Sweeney is asleep on his desk.

PC Edwards: Detectives, a referral has come in, a 65-year-old male has been beaten in the Llanrumney area, initial reports suggest a group of young men in Dragons shirts!

Parks: Pass if to me Edwards, I'll see if the fourth floor will take it

PC Edwards: Why? If you don't fancy it, are you not going to give it your department to deal with?

Parks: Department? What department?  

PC Edwards (pointing): That collection of men on those desks just over there

Parks: I can use them?  Well, who knew?  I'll think about using them, but the fourth floor still looks a good option. 

Sweeney rouses and blinks at the scene in the room

Sweeney: Bollocks to the fourth floor, Parks!  Give it to me, I'm ready for it, I've had an hour's kip and that family whose garden I woke up in last night have agreed not to report anything after I promised them I would lend them PC Halfpenny as a replacement gnome.

Parks: I'm not sure I want to run with this, Ceri

Sweeney: There's a bloody surprise.  Out of interest, when did you last run with anything?

Parks: Just before they transferred me into the Cardiff station, I ran with about three cases and they thought I'd be a decent recruit.  

Sweeney: Whatever, butt, we're taking this.  My strategy is we go up to Llanrumney now, round up everyone in a Dragons shirt and..

Parks: Ask the uniforms to speak to them?

Sweeney:  No!  In your role you have to occasionally do something other than get rid of real work and stare at that hero of yours on the wall.  Sometimes you have to go with it, trust your team, and let them do something with it.  Then if they balls it up I can punch a few people and arrest random blokes and stuff to see where that gets us.

Parks: And you should maybe occasionally do something that doesn't jeopardise entire cases!

Sweeney:   Do you wanna go right now, me and you?  I'll make a saddle for my bike out of your arse cheeks you dismal bastard!

Parks: You wouldn't know how to stitch it

Sweeney: I bet you would

Parks: Actually, I would

Sweeney: Bet you'd send it to the fourth floor to do it though.  

Bloodandmud.com (predictably daft) predictions for 2012

"Haskell-San no more want to run at people, he want make paper beauty of him own self"

1. IRB to address the scrum issue; ruling that all scrums will now require the forwards to make a heap of bodies on the floor while a back either quick-taps or kicks for touch. This will save 3.4 years in lost game time across an average season.

2.  Rob Andrew will chair a press conference about the Olympics; he will have an official badge on and speak with great confidence about what his role at the 2012 Games does not involve.  After an hour of questioning no-one will be any clearer about what he was doing there.

3.  Dan Parks will be replaced as a Scotland impact sub by an upturned yard brush stuck in the ground.  No-one will notice.

4.  The national press's main rugby writers will publish a "My Current Lions Fifteen" column every hour, on the hour, for what will seem like the whole of eternity.

5.  Stuart Lancaster will select a young and promising squad.  They will lose by 3 points in Rome on the opening weekend on the Six Nations, prompting the recall of Simon Shaw, Mike Tindall, Phil Vickery and Dean Richards.  Stephen Jones of The Times will blame it all on rugby league.

6.  Wales will win the Six Nations. Or at least they should.  If they don't then Gatland, Edwards et al need a good hiding.  (NB.  The blog is not voluteering to carry this out)

7.  Ireland will cope without the injured semi-deity O'Driscoll as his dad will send a certain ancient carpenter who happens to be a handy outside centre down to plug the gap.  They never mentioned that in the good book or at mass, did they?

8. Phillipe Saint-Andre will introduce consistency of selection to the French team, this will bore the players and they will resort to performing show tunes in defence.  Marc Lievremont will be seen smiling in the crowd.

9. Inspired by Tom Cruise in the "The Last Samurai", Haskell-San will go native and be unavailable for England selection due to dedicating his next twelve months to making origami sculptures of himself in various masculine poses.

Give us your predictions in the comments.  

Thanks for your attention, comments and interest in 2011; your patronage of this simple little blog is always appreciated and never taken for granted.

Look forward to seeing you all here again in 2012.  Happy New Year! 

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: England 16 - 12 Scotland. Scotland ratings

By Graham Gulvin

Well I took a bit of stick last time for not using correct words, well when the main Blogger for this website asked for helpin the RWC for writing these reports being good was not a prerequosite.

So onto Scotland, doing a shit good rating for my team and my team only poses some problems for me, hence waiting a few hours to digest the game and our situation of for all intents and purposes being out of the 2011 RWC. It poses problems because through the navy blue tinted glasses our own shortcomings are perhaps not as obvious as they are to others, but fuck it, I'll have a blast.

Shit

Harsh on the guy but NDL (Nick DeLuca) perhaps was responsible for butchering our best try scoring oppertunity. His knock on right on the 5m line was a decent chance no matter how you slice it, but Wilko was there at the fringe ready to make the try saving tackle that probably would have followed if NDL had collected.

After that, I'm struggling. We lost the game but for the first time ever I feel that Scotland as a team could not have done anything more and they were simply not good enough. However to call them shit for me would not be a fair reflection of how much effort they put in gainst a team 5 places above them in the world rankings.

Good

The set piece was a pillar of strength for Scotland for the bulk of the game. The Lineout functioned well with Richie Gray and Ali Kellock stealing English ball almost at will and Euan Murray, Ross Ford and Allan Jacobsen relishing each and every scrum as their English opposite numbers looked to struggle all game long.

"Desperate" Dan Parks has been singled out for me numerous times on this blog for performances that would make Danny Cipriani look like another fly half with the same initals. However today it was the Parks of old who kicked well from the boot and from the Tee. Furthermore I nearly died of Shock when he looked like he made a tackle.

Andy Robinson, mainly because he did not put Graeme Morrison anywhere near the 22.

Finally, this will most likely be my last post on this blog unless the main Blogger (Lee) wishes me to comment on any other games which I would be happy to do so. It's been fun posting up here and getting lessons from some of the dictionary Nazis out there who righly pointed out my mistakes and made me look like a cock end. But hey ho never mind. A big thank you for the oppertunity to post here, it has been very intersting reading your reactions and comments. Good luck to the rest of the home nations as the RWC continues.

P.S. I think Toby Flood is a better player than Wilkinson for 2 reasons,

1. His floated pass out to Ashton for the try was a beauty.

2. He does not hang out in toilets with Brian O'Driscoll.

 

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: England 16 - 12 Scotland. England ratings

England win in a terribly unconvincing manner to send Scotland home from the group stages for the first time in their World Cup history.  Lewis Moody at least had the decency to look a bit circumspect in the post-match interviews.  But awinisawinisawinisawinisawinisawinisawin....

Which England players caught the eye, and which need poking in the eye?

SHIT

Jonny Wilkinson - Something has clearly popped in his brain with this new ball, as he simply cannot kick it very well, and given the whole justification of him being in the side is for "tournament rugby" reasons, i.e. kicking, his selection is no longer sensible.  On top of this, his decision making is awful; attempting a drop when England have just turned over possession IN THE SCOTTISH 22 is the most obvious example for a whole catalogue of hideous options that he took.

Matt Stevens - Should never play at loosehead again.  Ever.  

James Haskell - When he wasn't knocking on he was falling off tackles without the ball and being stopped on the gainline with it.  

Matt Banahan - Came off the bench late and was called on to do one thing, tackle someone near the line.  Managed to completely miss them by swinging his arms over their head.  Useless.

Ben Youngs - His form remains poor, and the worst thing is that he clearly knows it.

GOOD

Manu Tuilagi - In a day when it was hard to spot anything worth saving from the river of effluva that was England's performance, this lad stood out like a beacon of Andrex Quilted Velvet.  When the ball finally reached him consistently he crossed the gain line and put in many decent hits in defence.  Even if Jonny was kicking OK, Flood must start against France to get the ball to the Leicester man more often

Chris Ashton - Can be a lonely and depressing time on the right wing when your out-half has decided that you obviously don't exist.  But it is testament to him that the rare occasions he was called into action he did what was required with proficiency; coming inside and launching a lovely clearing kick 60 metres into touch, and of course finishing his try with quiet aplomb.

Scotland ratings to follow from Graham.

What were your thoughts on England.

Statgasm: England 16 - 12 Scotland

By RuckinGoodStats

You can decide if these are shit or good, but here are a few key numbers to ponder…

- Scotland spent 16% of the 1st half inside England’s 22. This is just contestable ball, not counting all that waste of time for scrums.

- Speaking of which, there were six scrum resets in the game, two on England’s feed (wasted 0:52 min or 1.1% of the game) four on Scotland's feed (wasted 2:24 min or 3% of the game).
60 tactical kicks from the hand in the game. England 29, Scotland 31.

- 22 penalties, six free kicks in the game. That’s Joubert’s average for the tournament, but higher than his 2011 average. You have to go back to week 1 of the Super15 to find a game where Joubert handed out six free kicks.

- England missed on average one in every five tackle attempts. Scotland missed on average one in every 10 tackle attempts.

- Johnny Wilkinson’s kicking. To put it into perspective taking kick difficult into consideration, which I can do, 10% of the world pro kickers could have got those 1st three kicks in exact same conditions. Normally Johnny resets the kick difficulty parameters, but is just off.

- Scotland breaking four tackles inside England 22, but no try.

- Scotland made 1 charge down and 1 intercept.

- Set pieces by both teams. Nice to see contesting and winning a set piece off the opposition, unless they do it to my team.

- Ball was in play for 14:45 minutes in the 1st half and 16:28 minutes in the 2nd half.