Blood & Mud

Peeking inside the Wallabies' "logistics camp"

We know that Quade Cooper hasn't been invited to it, but we are still in the dark about what a "logistics camp" actually is.  Wonder no more, our mole in the camp has shared the schedule with us.

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Day 1: How to pack your kitbag efficiently, including specific workshop on those tricky spare boots.

Day 2: Getting to the team bus on time, a practical guide for the headphone wearing modern pro

Day 3: The Wal-Mart model of distribution planning and how it relates to line-outs

Day 4: Group exercise - Getting from Hillingdon to Liverpool Street via Alperton On the London Underground

Day 5: Michael Dell keynote speech "Why slow ball is killing your points profit margin, and how outsourcing your forwards to Malaysia will solve it"

Day 6: Group exercise - "five deliveries with only four vans" Problem solving exercise, followed by eye-wateringly tangential and patronising explanation about how this very much relates to how you can use your outside backs better.

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The Rugby Lexicon: The alternative dictionary from the game

More installments for you to use in your day to day discourse with people who will invariably have no bloody idea what you are on about, but that's because they're fools.  Or James Haskell.

Northsdad (n) - behaviour dictated by high emotion. "After years of being seen as nothing but a person who spent his days stroking J-Lo's arse or hanging around her house in pyjamas waiting for her to come home, it came as no surprise that Ben Affleck's speech after his Oscar for Argo was a complete northsdad." E! Hollywood Reporter, February 2013.

Howley (v) - make a slow start. "Unlike his predecessor, who Howleyed around the Vatican for the first few months, Pope Francis has cracked on with kissing feet and waving at people and stuff.  Not that this changes my views at all." Richard Dawkins.

Fofanawing (n) - inexplicable decision.  "O'Gara receives the ball, and he chips the ball across his own 20metre line! Ireland lose possession and O'Gara flushes the colour of putrid Ribena as his team mates look at him with a mixture of hatred and amazement that he would make such a fofanawing at this stage of the game" Andrew Cotter, Scotland vs Ireland commentary, Six Nations 2013.

Inverdale (v) - talk excessively about England. "One of the main reasons we want independence is that the present political discourse has a tendency to inverdale when we would rather be talking about Scottish issues, like Buckfast and the lack of recognition for the songcraft of Wet Wet Wet" Alex Salmond.

Zanni (v) - attract deserved praise belatedly "After years of playing small venues,  soul singer and songwriter Solomon Burke zannied in the years before his death." Me, just now, because it's true.

bloodandmud.com's candidates for the Ireland job

Declan Kidney is gone and the IRFU are on the look out for a new head coach for the national team; a coach that can implement what is now surely the Ireland Transitional Period v3.0, the latest iteration in a soul-splinteringly long process.  Here are this blog's obviously very serious suggestions.

Jeremy Davidson - Has a coaching CV more repellant to recruiters than one written in Comic Sans.  However, Jeremy went from being a "meh" selection to Player of the Tour in 1997 Lions, so past form is nothing when it comes to what he can achieve.  Also has a kindly face, speaks French and could wear Buzz Lightyear costume at press conferences to raise a nostalgic, Lions documentary laugh.  

Martin Johnson - Won't stand on ceremony, literally.  Face and attitude to serve as antidote to Kidney's friendly approach of smiling a lot of the time if IRFU want a change in PR.  Crushing inevitability of his first selection being more moribund than an undertaker's 'to do' list if they'd prefer to maintain Declan's conservative transition approach.  Outside chance of dwarf-throwing.

Mike Ruddock - Decent CV and chances of success; but this is likely to be followed by Jamie Heaslip ranting at George Hook on the TV in a dodgy brown leather jacket.

Trevor Brennan - Playing experience at home and abroad, has also run a bar for years so is well versed in people management. All of which he will ignore when he chins every single person in the squad and press within one hour of his appointment.

Ronan O'Fucking Gara - National treasure reaching the end of his playing career, already knows the squad, and most importantly will provide a rich seam of material for the likes of this blog.  Just think, as a coach he could perfect his "banana cross-kick chip" tactic in the defensive 22; pioneer the "anti-blitz" defence, based mostly on falling over; and spend every press conference in a self-righteous, purple-faced funk.  A shoo-in.

Now! That's What I Call Lievremont & Saint-Andre's Utterly Barmy Selections Greatest Hits

We are all having a good chuckle at Michalak's selection at 10 for the match in Dublin this weekend, and that got us to thinking: can you make an entire team of barmy selections from the Marc Lievremont and Phillippe Saint-Andre period?  Well I've had a partially successful stab at it.  Your comments and additional suggestions/corrections are welcome.

15.  Yoann Huget (Saint-Andre, 2013) - Yoann Huget is a winger, but not an international class one.  As a full back he's worse than that.

14. Wesley Fofana (Saint-Andre, 2013) - The best centre in Europe grazing on the wing.  Excellent.

13. Francois Trinh-Duc (Lievremont) - If he's not arbitrarily dropped he's out of postion.  Trinh-Duc is perhaps the most abused player in France in terms of selection.

12.  Benoit Baby (Lievremont, 2009) -  Selected when Yannick Jauzion was available, that's mental enough to warrant inclusion.

11. Maxime Medard (Both, Various Years) - Medard is a full-back and there have always been wingers that are better than him in the 11 or 14 shirt.  That hasn't stopped both Marc and Phillippe continuing to ignore this.

10.  Damien Traille (Lievremont, various) - Traille was a decent 12 with a decent boot, and that was it.  How anyone could class him as an international 10 is something that will trouble historians for years.  He also spent some time stinking up the 15 shirt.

9.  Sebastian Tillous-Borde (Lievremont, 2009) - Perhaps the worst example of the many when some no-mark was selected while Morgan Parra and his insouciant genius languished on the bench.

8. Sebastian Chabal (Lievremont, 2011) - This is not a bad selection in itself, but it becomes one when you consider that this pick meant that the incomparable Harinodoquy was pushed to 7 then you realise that Mad Marc pretty much weakened two positions at once.

7. Ibrahim Diarra (Lievremont, 2008) - A player as average as Diarra being selected at all is inexplicable in itself (this was his only cap), but he was selected ahead of Julien Bonnaire.  I'll repeat that: HE WAS SELECTED AHEAD OF JULIEN BONNAIRE!

6. Matthieu Lievremont (Lievremont, 2008) - Marc and his brother Thomas had both won international caps,but the other brother Matthieu had not.  Then Marc picked him for two caps based on nothing more than we assume their mum told him he had to so Matt didn't feel left out of the chat at family gatherings.

5. Help!

4. It's harder with the front 5 isn't it?

3. Suggestions welcome

2. Dunno

1. Lionel Faure (Lievremont, 2008) - Selected ahead of Jean-Baptiste Poux, who was up to that time owning Europe with Toulouse.

Warren Gatland loudly cackles while he burns the Flag of St George

Gatland: misunderstood scourge of media norms 

Warren Gatland, the coach in charge of the Summer tour that this blog will not mention until March 16, livened up a press conference today by burning the national flag of England while performing a maniacal, cartoon villainesque laugh.  

As staff extinguished the flames, the Kiwi explained that it was a piece of performance art meant as a critique of the media's slavish and perverted devotion to reporting incidents related to England Rugby.

"You guys are obsessed with England and their antics off the field, particularly when abroad", the box-headed "L" Word Tour coach said, "So I did this to show that I am clever and irreverrent, but also to turn a mirror on yourselves so that you may think before you go to the presses tomorrow or your digital front-end today about your approach and tone regarding England."

He then slapped a bulldog full in the face.

Commenting on Gatland's stunt, journo Paul Ingwageforagraduate said, "This is brilliant!  Up to now the Lions has all been about endless selection conjecture, details of flight times and Bill Beaumont's jowls.  I normally have to create 500 words of copy out of quotes so boring they could make a man shit concrete, but this writes itself.  And it's about England!"

Gatland was said to be disappointed with initial soundings about whether the room grasped his concept.   "The England player's will get it, won't they? Eh? Oh...."

Rugby Lexicon - the the alternative dictionary from the game

After quite a break, let's have some more entries in the Rugby Lexicon.  You can find other definitions from this great tome here.

haskell (n) - a troublesome condition or presence that will not go away. "I've had this haskell of a flu bug for weeks" every work colleague in Britain right now

andyrobinson (v) - fail.  "Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or andyrobinson." Winston Churchill, June 4 1940 

milesharrison (v) - overly partisan.  "If I have to watch Alan Shearer milesharrisoning all over TV during England games at next year's World Cup then I won't be paying my license fee" Sir Alex Fersuson

lievremont (n) - an inexplicable decision. "The government's decision to cut child benefit is, for many, a lievremont of the worst kind." Some bloke on the news the other day.

welshregion (v) - fail to make profit. "Not only did you end up arguing amongst yourselves, you took my money and bloody welshregioned all over the bloody show!You're Fired!"  Lord Alan Sugar, The Apprentice Series 4.

Add your own in the comments.  If you can be bothered, obviously.

Crap Lookalikes: Joe Marler & Captain Large from Button Moon

You don't get pictures of peripheral characters from 80s kids shows on other rugby blogs do you?

bloodandmud.com, leaving no obscure stone unturned since 2007, whether you want us to or not.

Gameplans Explained! Tom Varndell, defending

Friday Fun and win some training gear with Canterbury NZ

Canterbury are currently running a weekly game where they ask for puns on rugby players' names along a different theme each week, this week’s theme was a Racing XV in light of the Grand National, and here is the lineup.

1.      Johnny Golding Cup
2.      Schalk-alakaboomboom Brits
3.      Comply or Dai Young
4.      Quintin Gelding-huys
5.      Neigh-than Hines
6.      Tim Jodhpur
7.      Bobbyjo Worsley
8.      Zinzan Beechers Brooke
9.      Piri Whip-u
10.     Felipe Conte-pony
11.     Bruce Reins-hana
12.     Yearling Mortlock
13.     Billy Twelve-Ain-Trees
14.     Mark Cueto Star
15.     Hugo Southwell Racecourse

Keep an eye out for the weekly UltimateXV game from Canterbury by liking them at www.facebook.com/canterbury or following them at @canterburyNZ

And because the guys at Canterbury are so generous they've given Blood and Mud some kit to give away to the readers. For those gearing up for the summer months, and looking to keep fit during some (hopefully) warmer weather, Canterbury's range of 'hot' baselayers are designed to keep you cold in even the warmest temperatures. Made from BaseLayer fabric which uses the technology of a moisture wicking transport system, the tops conserve energy that would otherwise be utilised to maintain a consistent body temperature.

We've got three tops to give away, so to be in with a chance of winning one,  then send an email to this address.  Good luck!  If you're not luck enough to win this time don't fret as they're available at http://shop.canterbury.com

 

B&M TV present the unmissable new series, 'The Sweeney & Parks'

B&M TV is proud to announce a major new police drama, rebooting the classic cop show The Sweeney.  

The Sweeney & Parks will swap 1970's London for the mean streets of Cardiff in 2012.  Detective Sergeants Ceri Sweeney & Dan Parks are on the same team, but also rivals, and they have a very different approach to crime fighting.

Here's a clip from the first episode "Rumble In Llanrumney".

Female PC Edwards enters room, Parks is standing bolt upright staring in awe at a photo of former Detective Inspector Craig Chalmers on the wall.   Sweeney is asleep on his desk.

PC Edwards: Detectives, a referral has come in, a 65-year-old male has been beaten in the Llanrumney area, initial reports suggest a group of young men in Dragons shirts!

Parks: Pass if to me Edwards, I'll see if the fourth floor will take it

PC Edwards: Why? If you don't fancy it, are you not going to give it your department to deal with?

Parks: Department? What department?  

PC Edwards (pointing): That collection of men on those desks just over there

Parks: I can use them?  Well, who knew?  I'll think about using them, but the fourth floor still looks a good option. 

Sweeney rouses and blinks at the scene in the room

Sweeney: Bollocks to the fourth floor, Parks!  Give it to me, I'm ready for it, I've had an hour's kip and that family whose garden I woke up in last night have agreed not to report anything after I promised them I would lend them PC Halfpenny as a replacement gnome.

Parks: I'm not sure I want to run with this, Ceri

Sweeney: There's a bloody surprise.  Out of interest, when did you last run with anything?

Parks: Just before they transferred me into the Cardiff station, I ran with about three cases and they thought I'd be a decent recruit.  

Sweeney: Whatever, butt, we're taking this.  My strategy is we go up to Llanrumney now, round up everyone in a Dragons shirt and..

Parks: Ask the uniforms to speak to them?

Sweeney:  No!  In your role you have to occasionally do something other than get rid of real work and stare at that hero of yours on the wall.  Sometimes you have to go with it, trust your team, and let them do something with it.  Then if they balls it up I can punch a few people and arrest random blokes and stuff to see where that gets us.

Parks: And you should maybe occasionally do something that doesn't jeopardise entire cases!

Sweeney:   Do you wanna go right now, me and you?  I'll make a saddle for my bike out of your arse cheeks you dismal bastard!

Parks: You wouldn't know how to stitch it

Sweeney: I bet you would

Parks: Actually, I would

Sweeney: Bet you'd send it to the fourth floor to do it though.