Blood & Mud

B&M TV present the unmissable new series, 'The Sweeney & Parks'

B&M TV is proud to announce a major new police drama, rebooting the classic cop show The Sweeney.  

The Sweeney & Parks will swap 1970's London for the mean streets of Cardiff in 2012.  Detective Sergeants Ceri Sweeney & Dan Parks are on the same team, but also rivals, and they have a very different approach to crime fighting.

Here's a clip from the first episode "Rumble In Llanrumney".

Female PC Edwards enters room, Parks is standing bolt upright staring in awe at a photo of former Detective Inspector Craig Chalmers on the wall.   Sweeney is asleep on his desk.

PC Edwards: Detectives, a referral has come in, a 65-year-old male has been beaten in the Llanrumney area, initial reports suggest a group of young men in Dragons shirts!

Parks: Pass if to me Edwards, I'll see if the fourth floor will take it

PC Edwards: Why? If you don't fancy it, are you not going to give it your department to deal with?

Parks: Department? What department?  

PC Edwards (pointing): That collection of men on those desks just over there

Parks: I can use them?  Well, who knew?  I'll think about using them, but the fourth floor still looks a good option. 

Sweeney rouses and blinks at the scene in the room

Sweeney: Bollocks to the fourth floor, Parks!  Give it to me, I'm ready for it, I've had an hour's kip and that family whose garden I woke up in last night have agreed not to report anything after I promised them I would lend them PC Halfpenny as a replacement gnome.

Parks: I'm not sure I want to run with this, Ceri

Sweeney: There's a bloody surprise.  Out of interest, when did you last run with anything?

Parks: Just before they transferred me into the Cardiff station, I ran with about three cases and they thought I'd be a decent recruit.  

Sweeney: Whatever, butt, we're taking this.  My strategy is we go up to Llanrumney now, round up everyone in a Dragons shirt and..

Parks: Ask the uniforms to speak to them?

Sweeney:  No!  In your role you have to occasionally do something other than get rid of real work and stare at that hero of yours on the wall.  Sometimes you have to go with it, trust your team, and let them do something with it.  Then if they balls it up I can punch a few people and arrest random blokes and stuff to see where that gets us.

Parks: And you should maybe occasionally do something that doesn't jeopardise entire cases!

Sweeney:   Do you wanna go right now, me and you?  I'll make a saddle for my bike out of your arse cheeks you dismal bastard!

Parks: You wouldn't know how to stitch it

Sweeney: I bet you would

Parks: Actually, I would

Sweeney: Bet you'd send it to the fourth floor to do it though.  

ITV rehearsal tapes for England vs Scotland crunch match

Steve Rider: A parting to be reckoned with

Our insider has managed to get a sneak peak at ITV's plan for the big decider this weekend.  While we can't publish the video, we can give you some details

Travis Tomcatson, director, is giving a pep talk off camera about the upcoming weekend.

"We are absolutely commited to the presenting the highest level of coverage of the, er, Champions Rugby Football League, folks.  Steve Rider will lead the coverage as usual, and he will fill the 94 seconds between adverts with questions of the highest calibre.  Take it away Steve....  What? Yes, your side parting is fine, like it's been done with a ruler, mate.  No, I won't ask Gareth Thomas if he likes this look on you. Yes, it's better than John Inverdale's feather cut.  Can we get on?

"Right, half-time rehearsal! Action!"

Steve Rider: "So,some of the game of rugby was played there Thom, eh?" 
Thom Evans: "Yes, rugby happened with a tackle and a penalty there for...." 
Steve Ricer: "Absolutely! What a game! Powerful stuff. We'll be back after the break for more of the rugby football game of rugby championships of the world."

"Great! People, that will knock them bandy!"

#ITVareshit

Rugby World Cup 2011: The weekend not really previewed within Twitter limits

We tried to preview each of the weekend's games in 140 characters, like on Twitter. We failed. Instead we fell into stereotypes, conjecture and outright silliness.  What else did you expect?  

FRIDAY

Aus vs USA: Aus win on scoreboard, US claim moral victory by invading Wallaby dugout on 70 mins and ousting Robbie Deans as an unelected "rogue leader" who the Australian people do not want due to his inabililty to lengthen vowels properly.  Or coach scrummaging.

SATURDAY

England vs Romania: England win by shedloads, everyone remains unconvinced with ease of victory due to number of tries scored because all the blond and/or short Romanian players running away from Mike Tindall.  England forwards are completely dominant but still give away 11 penalties.

NZ vs France: NZ win. France players run around humming Daft Punk tunes, posturing in an elegant yet artistically aggressive manner and discussing Alain Ducasse's more challenging recipes. Morgan Parra spends the whole match looking at the bench and shrugging his shoulders and Sonny Bill Williams comes off the bench and asks Yachvili what the pay is like at Biarritz. 

SUNDAY

Fiji vs Samoa: Boom, whack, crunch - oh good hands fella! Such lovely handling. Tuilagi brothers, playing for heart and nation - except the English one, and the non-rugby playing one. BOOM! Samoa win by one try and two intact limbs.

Ireland vs Russia: Shaven-headed men in 90s black leather jackets and jeans enter Ireland dressing room 30 minutes before kick off. Ireland triumph in error strewn game by three points, with Andrew Trimble amazingly dropping the ball five times when in sight of the line.  Unnamed Russian man wins $2.5m on spread bet markets.  Ronan O'Gara spends the post match press conference saying how much he's looking forward to having time for fishing when not playing rugby in future while weeping over a picture of a large Carp.  He later denies any knowledge of the sport of fishing, water, fish and any conversation relating to them.  

Argentina v Scotland: It being a Sunday, the Lord's day mind, both teams sit in quiet prayer for lost colleagues Contepomi and Murray for first 20mns.  Play starts,  Nick de Luca drops ball in space and/or Morrisson goes into contact and drops ball in tight.  Argentina fail to capitalise on hands like feet state of Scots midfield and do doing silly things at breakdown.  Paterson does good kicky-kicks. It may rain - it won't matter.  Scotland by 6.

We do promise proper reviews of the matches, albeit with swearing.

Rugby World Cup 2011 Lego Video Preview

Is there anything that isn't made funny by doing it in Lego?  

Lego itself probably...

B&M TV launch day afternoon schedule

Following on from the morning schedule, our imagineers in the production department have put together a top-class afternoon's entertainment.

12:30 - Cash In The Kitbag
Three mouth breathing imbeciles from some godforsaken small town in the provinces attempt to find gear in the "lost kit" of their local rugby club that they can sell for a profit at auction.  This week, a jade green Kooga scrum-cap in medium goes up against a slightly mouldy pair of neopream shorts.

13:00 - Physios
Soap Opera following the lives and loves of a team of rugby club physios.  Sarah is not happy that Julie slept with club captain Tommy at the end of season awards dinner, while John is struggling to source some decent tubigrip in time for the summer sevens tournament.  Trouble is afoot when head physio Paul receives a tip-off that the surgical tape the team have been using may not comply with health & safety standards.  

14:00 - Here's The Problem With The Modern Game
A former player drones on and on and on about how the amateur era was so much better than the stuff on offer these days.   This week with Delme Thomas.

14:30 - A Question of Chinnies
Quiz show inspired by the rugby club game of hijinks and pain.  Teams from Grimsby and Cheltenham answer questions to win prizes, knowing that every wrong answer will find them being stoved across the jaw by a drunk prop forward.

15:00 - Children's B&M TV

15:05 - Jackanory
Danny Cipriani reads extracts from "Danny The Champion of The World", a book he genuinely believes to be one of his biographies. 

15:30 - Hask's Oddyssey
On his quest to find The Mysterious Golden City of Wycombe, our hero must fight and find his way out The Gallic Kingdom of Unfulfilled Ambition.

16:00 - FILM: Andy Goes Bananas
Goofball comedy featuring Will Ferrell as Andy P, a man who cannot help but get himself into scrapes, with hilarious consequences!

18:00 - The News From the RFU
Live from Twickenham.  Half an hour of news delivered in inpenetrable business speak during which the newsreader changes every five minutes for reasons that are not properly explained. 

Transcript from Jeff Blackett's report presentation to the RFU Council

Like News International we have our sources*.

RFU Man: "Come in Jeff, have some cheese and wine"

Jeff Blackett: "Thankyou.  As you know I've conducted a thorough investigation into the disastrous and publicly shaming events of the past few months.."

RFU Man: "I prefer the term 'adminstrative problem's to theone you just used, Jeff"

JB: (under breath)"In that case I feel this report isn't to go down too well"

RFU Man: "Sorry?"

JB: "I said, this roquefort creates rather a smell"

RFU: "Oh, that's alright then"

JB: "I think the only way that we can move forward from the, ahem, adminstrative problems, is to publish this in full to the public."

RFU: "Jeff, I agree in principle with this approach as I am sure the whole council does.  However, what we must also consider is the broader implications, those that may go beyond the ambit of your initial inquiry. That is, with direct regard to the individual deportment of officers herein throughout the whole affair. Moreover, and specifically, any finding which may lead those beyond the realms of the institution to conclude that the relative performance of any individuals in the overall conduct of the recent issues was less than sound or equitable."

JB: "Do you mean any of the bits that show you behaving like pricks, incompetents, or both?"

RFU: "No, no, no, my good man.   Well, yes."

JB: "Well if it isn't published I'm afraid I'll have to consider my position"

RFU: "Try to be more original Jeff, that's what the last 14 people we let resign said"

 

*unlike News International ours are pretend and thus not illegal.

Coin tosses and other strange selection techniques

The news that Saracens have decided not to bother actually thinking and using reason about who's the best scrum-half for the job of winning the Aviva Premiership and are instead tossing a coin led us to ponder some other strange selection techniques that have been employed over the years.

The Jenkins/Thomas Rotation - The heart of Welsh rugby is not so much a player, or a team, but a number - and that number is 10.   For years there has been a battle for the essence of the game in Wales, pragmatists on one side and romantics on the other, and whoever is selected at outside-half at any one time is a good indication of which side is winning.  This was never more aptly demonstrated by the Neil Jenkins vs Arwel Thomas quandary of the early to mid-nineties.  Jenkins was the technician; flawless with the boot, solid with his hands , decent in defence and with the pace of a particularly tired middle-distance runner;  Thomas was small, quick, cocky, and like a jelly in defence.  The pragmatists won, Jenkins making the shirt his own and seamlessly giving way to Stephen Jones.

The Lievremont Plan - We don't think Marc uses coins.  But, if he did use coins he would proabably have ones that were heads on both sides, two-thousand of them, and then spend four days trying to throw a tail.  He would then melt them all down and make a bronze sculpture of a raven that he believes speaks the word of God, telling him who to select and inexplicably picking Damien Traille at full-back.

The Ospreys Option - Put fifteen players on a pin-board in their preferred position, then ask a lion-faced macaque monkey to rearrange them.  Field the outcome.

The England Back-Row Scheme - Assess all options available for all playing conditions and somehow discover that Joe Worsley and James Haskell are always part of the solution.

The Woodward 2005 Variation - Do the complete opposite of what you have publicly stated your selection policy is.

The Late-90s Scotland Strategy - Travel abroad finding players with first names like Cameron and surnames like Leslie and pay for a one-way ticket to Scotland.  Wales also tried this with less success at the time.  England are doing it now, because, you know, their player base is miniscule, eh?

Can you think of any?

B&M TV launch day morning schedule confirmed

The day will soon come when our own TV station is launched, and we've commissioned some fabulous programmes for all you rugby fans out there.  Here is the morning schedule for launch day, the rest will be posted when we can find the funding.

 

6:30 - Good Morning!  You Want Some?
Frightening breakfast TV to get all rugby fans ready for the day.  Two-and-a-half hours of a famous hardman of the game staring angrily into the camera, occasionally pointing and/or offering to put you on your arse.   With Eric Champ.

9:00 - Gareth Chilcott's Happy Wanderings
Sunderland.  The ever-popular former Bath and England man puts on a pair of giant rabbit ears and wanders the streets of Britain's towns attempting to amuse children.  Today, the young of the north-east city stare at him in disbelief and barely-concealed horror.

9:30 - The David Campese Show 
1.  My wife slept with my brother's mate's girlfriend while I was round the back of the telly trying to fix it, and it wasn't even my telly!   The legendary Wallabies winger solves your personal and family problems in his own inimitable style.

10:30 - Carlos Spencer's DIY Roadshow.
Former All Black Spencer brings his legendary 'thinking outside the box' skills to DIY projects up and down the country.  Today, Carlos saves space in a terrace in Basildon by putting the bath on the roof and converting the shed into a mobile kitchenette.

11:00 - A Place In A Squad
Kirsty Allsopp helps players find their ideal squad.  Kirstie shows James Haskell around a large squad in South-East and one with development potential in the Bristol area, but will the money and lack of profile be a sticking point?  And will anybody watching care?

12:00 - The News For Forwards
A nice man reads the news very slowly in words of less than three syllables.  Backs News, which focuses mostly on hair products and lifestyle features, is accessed via the red button.

Five things Saracens can expect to learn from training with Miami Dolphins

Everyone's favourite dignityphobic club is off to spend next week amongst the helmeted American pantomime in order to help win the Aviva Premiership.  Coach Al Pacino Mark McCall thinks winning is mainly about a unit of imperial measurement: “At this stage of the season, the difference between winning and losing games can literally be a matter of inches and if a trip to Miami is what we need to gain those extra inches, then that is what we have to do.”  But other than being given a Helix shatterproof ruler by the Dolphins, what else can they expect to learn from the NFL?

1.  Proficiency in standing around whooping and high-fiving after every tackle while the opposition run off with the ball and score

2.  Boba Fett Diploma in Protective Clothing

3.  Compiling vast numbers of increasingly complicated set moves into a giant book, with additional session for head coaches on how to earnestly stare into it when the cameras are on them 

4.  Power baseball-cap wearing

5.  New names for positions.  For example, Blind-side flanker to be renamed Near Side Safety Tackle; wingers to be called Wide Outside Corner Running Receivers; Props to be called Offensive Grips

What else do you think they might learn?

Bordering on Parody Dept: James Haskell has his own iPhone App

Inconsistent rugby player, holder of rifles incorrectly, puller of comedic serious faces, and now iPhone App hawker.  Is there anything he can't do?
-------

No, this is not a joke.

Le Hasque has decided that after finally having a couple of decent games for England now is the perfect time to launch his own iPhone App and in his usual understated manner the App will be all about him.

Here is the inexplicable blondie describing it in his online blurb:

"As most of you may know I'm a bit of a social media junkie so I've decided to build an app to combine my various updates, rugby and social.

My aim is to give you some great messages, photos, tweets and videos so you can follow me during my day to day life both on and off the rugby field."

I have no words, so I think I'll have a little cry. Care to join?