Blood and Mud

The answer to the England forwards malaise

Is, incredibly, Joe Worsley and Louis Deacon.

Worsley, remember, didn't start a game for two years between 2007 and Wales in last year's Six Nations, where he was brought in with the expressed instruction to tackle Jamie Roberts a lot.  Admittedly he did this pretty well, but being able to tackle a bloke is surely a basic skill every pro should be able to execute, and beyond this I fail to see what additional dimension he brings as a breakaway.  Moody, for all his faults, at least has pace and mobility.

The selection of Deacon ahead of Lawes is inexplicable. The Leicester man is ponderous in contact, an abysmal ball-carrier, and he has not even been winning lineout ball consistently either.  Him and Borthwick are perhaps the least intimidating pairing since Philip Schofield & Fern Britton.

Given how poor the forwards are likely to be again, debating the backs selection is as pointless as attempting to figure out which Coldplay song you hate least, but the lack of Ben Foden is a complete shocker given he made more impact in 20 minutes than Armitage has managed in all his time since his return from injury. 

As a Welsh aside, does anyone else think that, given his minging form, the management are secretly pleased that Ryan Jones is injured and thus they can bring in Gareth Delve, who has almost single-handedly dragged Glaws into some decent form.

Stade accuse England of possibly breaching Article 5 of the European Convention on Human Rights

Well, sort of.

I know what you're thinking, "I didn't know the ECHR mentioned being forced to watch crap rugby", and although England's play could come under the meaning of cruel and unusual punishment for the viewing public, that is not what we are talking about.  No, this is about the increasingly hysterical situation with James "James Haskell" Haskell.

Stade mouthpiece Max Guazzini has stated that the RFU is "keeping Haskell prisoner" and he has asked the Six Nations committee to punish them.  Surely the Stade owner is setting his sights too low with the Six Nations commitee, when the European Court in Strasbourg (right) could be the way forward? 

Article 5 of the ECHR states that everyone has a right to liberty, thus only by a correct legal authorisation procedure can you deprive a person of their liberty.  Guazzini could argue, as in Ashingdane vs UK (ECHR, 1985), that Haskell is under such close supervision and control in the England camp that he is effectively deprived of his liberty; or as in Guzzardi vs Italy (1980) that his confinement to a specific area, i.e. Pennyhill Park, is tantamount to a deprivation. 

The problem with this is that, should Mad Max win, and Haskell is returned to Stade, then England could start the whole procedure again accusing the French team of the same.

Some of you may think this an over-reaction, but judging by the media coverage, and the behaviour of all the parties involved, this is a case of grave seriousness that must be treated accordingly.  In no way is it a pointless flexing of egos over a player who is a little bit on the shit side.  No.  No way.

Rugby and human rights law, a heady cocktail you will only find on this blog.

Get your Chargy Bargy on and win some top prizes with O2

You should all recall the people at O2 have bringing us Chargy Bargy, a cracker of a game where you have to catch the ball and leg it as fast as you can while running into as many things as you can.  Be careful to avoid the big New Zealand forwards, though, as they kill you to death, as Mickey once told Rocky..

There are still a few weeks of the competition left, and you can still win Nintendo Wiis, Blu-ray DVD players and LCD TVs.  

What’s more, four lucky winners picked at random from all O2 customers who’ve entered the competition will snatch VIP tickets to the Emirates Airline London Sevens at Twickenham for themselves and three friends. 

Get playing, you have nothing to lose but your main source of income if caught by your boss. 

For some reason people are arguing over James Haskell

Anonymous England back-row James Haskell is being told to return to his club, and they will not take non for an answer.

There is much lawyer and agent bitching going on about what his England release agreement says, but perhaps the most terrifying comment has come from the player's agent. "James will be as available for England duty as often as any player based in the Premiership.". Shiver.

England should want him to go back, as it might be an opportunity for him to remember how to play rugby again. Clue; it involves holding the ball and running in the shortest route to the opposition. Fast.

If any of you fancy braving the late Edinburgh winter, you can still get tickets for Scotland vs England here, and also for France vs England here.

Andy Powell is guilty. Of being a legend.

As self-harm inducing boyband Blue sort of sang a few years ago "If driving a golf buggy pissed on a highway's a crime, then Andy Powell's guiiiiiiilllteeee".  Today the court has rubber stamped that it definitely is a crime and thus the Brecon service station botherer is completely guilty, a fact further demonstrated by him admitting it as well.  He's been banned from driving for 15 months; and not just golf buggies, it applies to cars and everything, which hardly seems fair.

The M4-related legend's lawyer, Conrad Gadd, said "He is regretful that any young boy who may see him as a hero might think this behaviour is acceptable and he wants to make it plain that it isn't."

Don't listen to him kids!  Acting in a monstrously stupid manner when bladdered is what rugby is all about. All of you out there who have played the game for a club will have a full canon of stories that all revolve around these circumstances; when you get together with people you haven't seen for years you will tell these stories and laugh until your eyes run and your sides complain; you will relay some of them to others who don't play rugby and they will laugh or perhaps be slightly disgusted.

What young boys should be more careful of is thinking that some of his other behaviour is acceptable, like ignoring support runners, knocking-on regularly, or attempting sidesteps with all the grace of a constipated rhinoceros.

Andy, once again, we raise a glass to you.  You may be a player of questionable standard, but your position in the pantheon of rugby folklore is assured for the ages.

Fancy a day as Ireland's bagman?

We've got a great opportunity for you today as Paddy Power are offering you the chance to be the Bagman for the Irish team when they take on Wales in the Six Nations match at Croke Park on Sat 13th March. Can you handle 22 sweaty jockstraps?

You won't be joining the prawn sandwich brigade in the corporate boxes. No, you'll be getting down and dirty with the team and their legendary bagman 'Rala' in the bowels of Croke Park for what should be a classic Championship encounter.

From the dressing room to the pitch, you won't be watching the game - you'll be part of it! Not only that, but you'll get accommodation, spending money, and a signed jersey to make the occasion even more memorable.

This fantastic prize includes:

- Helping the Bagman for the Day

- Overnight Stay in a Dublin Hotel

- €100 Paddy Power bet on the game

- €100 Beer Money (you'll need a pint after all that hard work!)

- Signed Irish Jersey by the Team & Rala

To take part in the competition all you need to do is answer an easy question and hold thumbs!  Enter here now

SHIT/GOOD™ Ratings: RBS 6 Nations, round 3

SHIT

Danny Care - Seriously, does he actually have a brain?  His idiocy was summed up perfectly when he made a promising blind-side break, had two defenders in front of him and three support runners with him, but felt it was the best option to kick the ball away.

James Hook - Typically, her chose the weekend after I had said what a good tournament he was having to have a poor game.  Was hardly in the game, apart from throwing a try-giving interception pass.  Is he really a 13?  Might it be better if him and Dr Roberts swapped shirts?

James Haskell - Was he actually playing?  

GOOD

Gonzalo Canale - If he was English he would have punted the ball forward, instead he ran in an arc that Mighty Mouse would have been proud of and when faced with four defenders he took the tackle and popped to Cannavosio to score. 

Julien Malzieu - Fifth choice winger.  FIFTH CHOICE!  Came and an had a wonderful all-round game, positionally, defensively.

Bradley Davies - His performance was amazing by any barometer you wish to use, but when you consider what he been through this past week then you run out of superlatives.   Deserved a win.

What to make of the England 16 - 20 Ireland result?

For England fans, unlike the performance against Italy, which raised emotions of misanthropy and despair, this game induced an altogether more ambivalent feeling.  Was it a half decent performance or a mostly rubbish one?  It certainly wasn't fabulous or terrible, but somewhere on the scale in-between.  It was however, pretty mediocre, and it certainly wasn't the weather that caused it.  The lineout was a nightmare, the go-forward from the pack was poor, Danny Care had one of those headless chicken matches he is far too prone to, and two of the back three can neither kick or run with any quality - the difference when Foden came on to the cutting edge was marked.  However, the commitment was good, the scrum went OK (although the Irish front-row are not the most testing of opponents), and the ball went through hands a damn sight more than usual.

Ireland showed that even when not playing especially well, having players who can capitalise on whatever chink of scoring light shows itself through the gloom is invaluable at this level.  Sexton's awareness and poise for the opening score was even more impressive when you consider he'd hardly seen the ball, never mind touched it, in the opening ten minutes; and the masterful timing of the first phase move for Bowe's second try was - like the crane technique at the end of The Karate Kid - startling in its devastating simplicity of execution.  You cannot blame defences for tries life that, remember that Bryan Habana did it twice in one game to the Lions.  And as Mr Miyagi says, "If do correct, no can defence" 

Irish fans will feel better than the English this morning though.  While Ireland did not play brilliantly, their fans can at least console themselves with thoughts of Sexton getting even better, some genuine class being shown at times, and a manager who seems to want to give talented youth its head.  In other words, something they can build on going forward.  

England fans, on the other hand, can comfort themselves with thoughts of, er, well, hmm - anyone? Help would be appreciated in the comments as I'm a bit stumped. 

RBS 6 Nations Preview: England vs Ireland, Twickenham, Saturday 16:00

What a difference a game makes.  Ireland, potential back-to-back grandslammers and best team in Europe to great big bag of shit after a French mauling, and England, who went from generally rubbish to please-poke-out-my-peepers-so-I-don't-have-to-watch-this-anymore rubbish after the most uninspiring victory since that Leon Jackson won The X Factor.

Where does this leave us for tomorrow then?  One thing is certain, Ireland cannot be as bad as they were last week when, unlike England, they were actually OK for fifteen minutes or so before the Bleus tsunami drowned them in shame.  England on the other hand have not been good for a while, but home advantage, a settled side and some flashes of half-decent form against Wales to build on should imbue some positivity in their fans.

England name the same team as played Italy, with the only question being over the fitness of form player Mark Cueto who has gutrot (why couldn't it have been Monye?).  If he doesn't recover then Chris Ashton is in, which is both exciting and terrifying.  We all know what he can do, but there is a real danger that if he has a cow of a game it could ruin him, but I expect him to do well, as more than his physical talents he seems an affable and resilient character.

Ireland have brought O'Callaghan back in, which seems unfair to the in form Leo Cullen, and retain the recently awful Tomas O'Leary at the expense of Eoin Reddan - many in Ireland smell the fetid stench of Munster bias on behalf of Kidney.  But surely the key selection is that of Sexton ahead of ROFG, is this the end of an era or simply a pick on form?  Time will tell on that, but for tomorrow it means Ireland will be a more dynamic attacking force.  This one is genuinely difficult to call.

B&M Prediction: England by 3

Spotter's Badge: Lewis Moody chases the kick off, gets to it and knocks-on.  Then he does it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again (repeat to fade)

TEAMS

England: 15-Delon Armitage, 14-Mark Cueto, 13-Mathew Tait, 12-Riki Flutey, 11-Ugo Monye, 10-Jonny Wilkinson, 9-Danny Care; 1-Tim Payne, 2-Dylan Hartley, 3-Dan Cole, 4-Simon Shaw, 5-Steve Borthwick (captain), 6-James Haskell, 7-Lewis Moody, 8-Nick Easter

Replacements: 16-Lee Mears, 17-David Wilson, 18-Louis Deacon, 19-Joe Worsley, 20-Paul Hodgson, 21-Toby Flood, 22-Ben Foden.

Ireland: 15-Geordan Murphy, 14-Tommy Bowe, 13-Brian O'Driscoll (captain), 12-Gordon D'Arcy, 11-Keith Earls, 10-Jonathan Sexton, 9-Tomas O'Leary; 1-Cian Healy, 2-Rory Best, 3-John Hayes, 4-Donncha O'Callaghan, 5-Paul O'Connell, 6-Stephen Ferris, 7-David Wallace, 8-Jamie Heaslip.

Replacements: 16-Sean Cronin, 17-Tony Buckley, 18-Leo Cullen, 19-Shane Jennings, 20-Eoin Reddan, 21-Ronan O'Gara, 22-Andrew Trimble.

RBS 6 Nations Preview: Wales vs France, Millennium Stadium, Friday 20:00

Having failed in my attempt to blag a press pass for this game - accreditation bodies are very slow to recognise new media, I find - a part of me hopes this game is rubbish for that reason alone, and another part of me believes it will be rubbish for an far more considered reason: Wales.

You see, Wales have not been very good this tournament and no amount of life affirming last-minute comebacks can disguise this.  France on the other hand have been very good, swatting aside Ireland and comfortably crushing Scotland like a blue wave of malevolent destruction. If Wales have a first-half akin to  the first forties of their opening games, they could find themselves 35 points down come the interval.  Not even they could come back from that, could they?

Wales have decided that Mike Phillips on one and an half legs is better than a fully functioning Gareth Cooper, and young Richie Rees starts.  It's an all new boilerhouse featuring Deiniol Jones and Bradley Davies; many in Wales believe that Luke Charteris is being overlooked because he plays for the Dragons, I think it's more to do with him being a bit SHIT. 

France are suffering winger-blight on a level never before seen, if they are not being booted in the air by Irishmen, they are getting injured in training, and Lievremont is forced to go with his third different pairing in as many games after the loss of Palisson.  However, when your fifth choice winger is Julien Malzieu you have little to fret about. 

This game will be decided by three things: 1) if Wales actually turn up from the off, and if they do, 2) Ryan Jones vs Imanol Harinodoquy, and 3) James Hook vs Mathieu Bastareaux.  I fear that the home side may come off second-best in all three.

Don't forget to enter our competition to win a signed Wales replica jersey.

B&M Prediction: France by 12

Spotter's Badge: Sebastian Chabal enters the fray on 50 minutes and eats Leigh Halfpenny.

TEAMS

Wales: Lee Byrne (Ospreys); Leigh Halfpenny (Cardiff Blues), James Hook (Ospreys), Jamie Roberts (Blues), Shane Williams (Ospreys); Stephen Jones (Scarlets), Richard Rees (Blues); Paul James, Huw Bennett, Adam Jones (Ospreys), Bradley Davies, Deiniol Jones (Blues), Jonathan Thomas (Ospreys), Martyn Williams (Blues), Ryan Jones (Ospreys, capt).
Replacements: Ken Owens (Scarlets), Rhys Gill (Saracens), Luke Charteris (Newport Gwent Dragons), Sam Warburton (Blues), Mike Phillips (Ospreys), Andrew Bishop (Ospreys) , Tom Shanklin (Blues).

France: Clement Poitrenaud (Toulouse); Julien Malzieu (Clermont), Mathieu Bastareaud (Stade Francais), Yannick Jauzion (Toulouse), Alexis Palisson (Brive); Francois Trinh-Duc (Montpellier), Morgan Parra (Clermont Auvergne); Thomas Domingo (Clermont Auvergne), William Servat (Toulouse), Nicolas Mas (Perpignan), Lionel Nallet (Racing-Metro), Julien Pierre (Clermont Auvergne), Thierry Dusautoir (Toulouse, capt), Julien Bonnaire (Clermont Auvergne), Imanol Harinordoquy (Biarritz).
Replacements: Dimitri Szarzewski (Stade Francais), Jean-Baptiste Poux (Toulouse), Sebastien Chabal (Racing-Metro), Alexandre Lapandry (Clermont Auvergne), Frederic Michalak (Toulouse), David Marty (Perpignan), Marc Andreu (Castres).